Well I got a D in the therapy today, the reason i didn’t get a fail is that I at least can talk about it and realize that I knew this was coming.
I am very highly functioning and as long as I work hard, stay an A student, I am great. But, even A students have rough weeks, things going on at home, too many exams and tests. I knew I was toying that line of falling into a depressive episode, it has been winking at me for the last couple of weeks and I have been successfully skirting it and pushing it to the back of my mind. And, going full speed ahead without any break to re-group, need to get out of my environment, somewhere neutral to let the tension ease out for a week.
Go figure my GP just walked in to the restaurant and asked me how I was doing. Karma.
So I have been bad and the walls are closing in and the claustrophobia is coming on making me want to either hide in a hole (my bed) and do nothing for days until I turn into a shamble-y incoherent mess or bolt. Neither is good for continuous income, children or having any sense of continuity in life. I don’t know about others but when life turns into a blur and getting going in the morning is daunting, I know I am in trouble. Each morning has been harder and harder to set my mindset positive to go to work, to go to yoga, to go see my sister.
I’m depressed at my finances, I’m depressed that I want to send the kids to camp and I can’t, I’m depressed because there are all these pretty things in the windows and I haven’t bought a thing for myself in almost a year because there are so many more important things to address, which makes it horrible to walk around now that spring is in full bloom, I’m depressed that my commuting situation has been so hellish lately my yoga, my one shining, grounding light, has fallen to the wayside. I’ve let my apartment disintegrate because this weekend I felt like doing shit all but lay around with the kids and walk outside to get out of inside. Even my personal grooming is crap, I’m going to need an intervention soon.
So, I was told I needed to get grounded again and quick. Pull my big girl socks up and find a starting point and focus. First I need to take a breather, not sure when that is, but moving on… I have to figure my schedule out, I have to get to yoga the weekends I have the kids. I have to make sure I have enough of a regular safe social life to tamp my mania, I need to be prepared on school nights so I am not a chaotic hot mess, I need to get summer schedule put together so it’s not hovering over me like a swarm of killer bees, I need to win the lottery (or sell my house), I should go on a holiday for at least a week to somewhere I have no connections to.
Is it bad to want a drink at 2:24pm on a work day? It’s 5pm somewhere…
I am muddled between going home and crawling into bed, hiding out, working incessantly to not think, or going out and ignoring it all.