{April 22, 2012}   The Wider Road not Taken

It’s so confusing not being able to follow your own emotions, not trusting your own emotions to take you down the right path. Relationships, it’s a 4 letter word for me, but as I take a look at the years, I wonder if its not relationships I should shy away from but the intensity an rules so strongly associated within it.

It’s hard to follow a line when there is no manual and the best of days is still a guess on making the right moves and trying to watch myself. I’m still looking for the What Not To Do When You’re Borderline best seller. I’ll be happy even with have Mars and Crazy Venus Relationships.

I need help. It’s such a jumble of my feelings, Amanda’s feelings, my negativity, her insecurities, mine, fight or flight kicking in.

I spent the day with Hugh yesterday, we have a routine of a un-routine, We’re dating, not really, as its a secret, I haven’t figured out why it’s a secret but it just is, so then maybe we can call it friends with benefits but on my end it’s not that either but flip side neither is it the white picket fence.

Quick re-cap. Hugh is in his 50s, retired, has his own life, independent all very very good things for me. He’s a mild control freak, which is good too. Open in some senses but terribly guarded on others, not a lot of emotion or communication about emotions on a 2-way street, more like talking to my shrink, assessments. Great at saying what he wants and needs on a logical and pragmatic side, not so on the sentient side.

We get along great, lots of food and wine, the same voracious appetite I have for the gastronomic delights of this world. I believe the same adventuring spirit but this is un-tested as we haven’t gone anywhere together because as he said yesterday it’s hard for him to plan with my narrow definition of what this is. You can’t plan because I might what?

To the point, I like him, it seems an ideal match. The sex, let’s not forget the sex, don’t we all want to talk about sex, hear about sex, pretend we’re not fascinated by sex. The sex is good, since we’re just beginning this relationship you and I (world) we’ll stay PG-13 for now, but we can start to get into the toys, orgasms and positions later. Suffice to say, it’s good, excellent, comfortable, fun, etc etc.

So the conundrum. Last night we went for dinner and a few points came out that made me pause, made the rest of me curdle.

This summer. Hugh says it’s going to get difficult. Difficult is not what I need. I think there was an implicit warning in there, since I don’t have my shit together, and want to be a scaredy cat don’t be surprised if things get difficult. So what are we speaking of? The fact that we don’t have definition to this thing we do, and the closest definition he can label upon us is friends with benefits, which essentially precludes feelings and any rights to expectations. So the sense I get is, be aware of what I have in-store, to fall in line, whosoever is there first with their panties off get’s the golden ticket and no sour grapes on my part if I don’t. Since I can’t give anything concrete expect to fall in with the masses, first come first serve.

Me, I don’t think so, I’m not a mass, and I don’t feel like being lumped in with Mary, Carie and Shelly for a turn on the love boat just because I am not able to widen the path, sounds rather seedy and unappealing to me. Not a hooker. Not going to beg for time. I follow the harem philosophy better, there’s head wife and everyone else. Head wife is first choice and if you’re going to do anything, let’s do it with head wife first. Yes, you can call her up and make plans, if it doesn’t work out go to the stables and find the other ones. Head wife doesn’t mind, just give some due courtesy.

The questions always focus on me, I don’t think I’ve actually heard what he wants and needs. Maybe if you spit it out we can actually make some sense and widen that path to have more definition, does it have to be the dirt road or the super highway, aren’t there choices in between?

Complication 1. Not sounding ideal for a time when things are difficult enough, I speak of summer, when I am juggling kids, work and travel, trying to manage my self respect on the love boat may be too much. This is where fight or flight comes in, flight seems to be winning, I can feel the feathers poking through but fighting hard to see if this is something I am not seeing clear enough.

Part 2. I feel like I am being pushed for an answer I don’t have. You know, all these warnings of what’s to come based on my lack of parameters. I don’t know why but I feel like I am being penalized for being this person. And that brings up ugly feelings that then crawl into my self worth and sense of being. I do have parameters, I like you, you like me, we have a steady dating life, courtship, there’s no need to date other people, but if you want to, I am not going stop you, but that doesn’t mean every time I am not available there’s another mare in the stable.

I guess what it comes down to is I am happy to spend my time with him and work my schedule with him, my kids, close friends, family and work as an important part of my life, and everyone else is secondary. If someone calls me up and asks me out, I’d wait to see whether we had plans first, not jump at the first penis that calls wanting to sail the seven seas with (gross) me, last resort maybe. Seriously. This is the difference that may sever the link.

People don’t understand that when I decrease expectations of myself it’s not for my pleasure, I want to barrel full steam ahead, but when I do that I hurt people, I hurt a lot of people when I let go. And I have limitations that hurt people because I can’t give on a normal, LIFE board game, it’s more like Chutes and Ladders, it seems to go great till you hit the snake and tumble down to start again. So its better to just slooooowly move this ship along but it’s also not necessary to shoot holes into it, there’s enough snakes on the boat.

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