{April 23, 2012}   A Friend in Need

Rage, I can feel it coiled in my chest like a serpent waiting for me to lift the lid and release it. The discomfort hurts, sitting heavy as I try and push the mania and hold it at bay. Because for the life of me I want the stimulation to distract and numb out this quake that I want to reach inside of me and remove.

I am sitting at home trying to find as much stimulus as I can in this small space to not go crazy and out. I’ve watched TV, I’ve played games, I’ve cleaned, read and now it’s almost time to rewind and repeat. But I am angry, angry that I am ruining my Sunday having to fight this insanity. Yes, I know my trigger, I let my emotions in too far and left open vulnerability and wham bam out comes Amanda to play.

I went walking around in such a blur, people passing by were nameless, and I was senseless, it did nothing to assuage my ache, perhaps made it worse because I was out there but I wasn’t, watching people be happy, watching friends interact and wishing I had the lightness,wishing I had something to make me feel whole but all I had was this stupid ache that stood me apart. So I came back to the TV, the games, the book and to gritting my teeth and wishing I could let some of this mania out, find someone to play with, someone safe because I want to rage.

They say to call someone, I mean wtf do I say, I need you to… come go out with me, or come here and hold my hand because I’m sick and this will make me feel better. Yes, great, that would win me the idiot of the year award. Shrinks don’t always get it, we can’t always reach out and find someone, they have lives, they have commitments, how do you ask someone to drop everything to come attend to your mania that may or may not get out of control.

And then there’s the fact that I look and act completely normal with the 3-ring circus of serpents pounding in my chest. I don’t even know where to go with this rant, I’m having a hard night and I need a friend and I don’t seem to have any.

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et cetera
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