borderlinegirlliveshere











{April 25, 2012}   Riddle Me This and Riddle Me That

Im in a funk. Not a bad episode funk but a maybe this can slide down this way funk.

I haven’t felt like I have done anything fun or light to uplift myself lately. Work has been full on with not a moment to breathe. The kids schedules were abnormally complicated and the last 2 nights have been a triathlon of working, motivating, cooking, cajoling, grumping and driving, driving and driving. There hasn’t been a moment to just sit back and have a laugh. A giggle would suffice.

So, tonite I think to self, self- should I go sit at the bar down from work and have a quick drink, just to get some space around me. The thought of seeing the house in all its chaos after the kids have left is not calling to me, shit is everywhere and it’s going to feel like a ton of bricks coming down. Then my flip side feels depressed that I have to go sit at a bar and talk to strange people. I asked Carl the office manager if he wanted to go for a drink but Carl is just a little too earnest and I sense that might be more work than not. I’d ask Hugh but then I have to deal with him coming back to me that I spend too much time with him. My sister has the baby. Shae has an appointment. Jules has her kid. Cay has the kids. Everyone else I know I don’t particularly want to see. I’m back to the same options, home alone w mess and no sanctuary or bar alone with no mess but some space. Gah!

Riddle me this and riddle me that.

I see Val tomorrow. My psychologist and I know i know the answers she’s going to tell me. She’s going to say I need a break, I’m moving too fast, doing too much and not taking care of myself. I have  unresolved items hanging over me, primarily my Finances which is turning into a pile of quicksand around me, and the more a fight it, the deeper I sink. One step forward THREE steps back. It costs a lot to be crazy and see 3 medical professionals at a time. Thankfully, I am such a unique case my psychiatrist has convinced the government I am interesting enough to pay for. Then there’s living in the most expensive city in North America, having 2 kids, summer coming up which scares me to bits and having my work constantly interrupted buy absences I need to take to stay healthy. Then there’s debt, omnipresent, constantly growing and I am sure going to suck me in and spit me out in a huge episode. I also have my ongoing saga with my ex husband over assets which is for another day, another time, another mind.

I think I said it, I have more financial stress then I should but how do I fix that. I am looking for another job but that goes counter intuitive to the relax and take more time to do non stressful activities. I need to take a break, every 3 months, medically advised… yes with what money and what time? Fairy Godmother???? You there?? My psychiatrist, by the way, is kite surfing in Barbados, perhaps I should have gone with him, would have been like an all-inclusive fun and therapy retreat.

OK, I am taking up work time which is probably going to add more stress to get done by 4:30 so I can find that damn laugh and giggle

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Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

confessionsofbpd

The secret life of high-functioning borderline personality disorder.

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