It’s been 3 nights of unsettled sleep. I take Trazadone at night to help me sleep, which means that unsettled sleep and nightmares means that there is enough percolating to over ride the medication. Welcome to the Rocky Horror House of my mind.
Getting to bed has been a uncomfortable affair of bed gymnastics from one side to another, from front to back, there never seems to be a place of rest. Once asleep the dreams start, which too is an anomaly, I don’t dream, and when I do dream it’s a slap in the face that I have unresolved issues. My early warning system so to speak.
The disquiet is hard to pinpoint but this morning’s remembrance gave me a foothold. My dreams have centered around someone I care about being taken, bound, restrained and pained and the crux of saving them lies with me figuring the answers to hidden messages. Such clarity in the dreams of the captors, sweat beading on their brow, the smell of fear, the tension, and the urgency for me to see, see what I can’t see in the puzzle to save them.
It doesn’t take a PhD to figure out I’m scared of hurting someone I love if I can’t sort the puzzle in my mind. That this screams poor inter-personal relationship girl plagued by guilt at her inability to not hurt people. In 3 nights I haven’t saved anyone as yet. Luckily my dreams/mares have excluded me from having to watch their grizzly end. Of course, it hasn’t been nice enough to PG-13 my emotions in the dreams.
So with heavy heart I sit here before getting ready to work, tired and frustrated. It’s not a bad day and I don’t feel bad, it’s frustrating not sleeping and knowing full well why you can’t sleep but unable to solve it. So, here’s to a great day. I have a therapy appointment on Thursday so I’ll get head shrinked and zapped back into shape and maybe only kill off one more person tonight (in my dream).
Happy Hump Day