I feel like Jekyll and Hyde right now, I don’t want to be alone but I am trying to be alone. It’s so hard when there is so much to digest and think about and back to my previous post, with no one to talk to but my laptop. There’s all this noise in my head, feelings I want to wade through, scenarios I want to visit, insecurities I need to spill out, someone to hold my hand and just talk to me, or even just listen to me, they wouldn’t even need to talk, just be my presence as I sit here with tears creeping and no sound as I let the emotions tear through and the voices loose for a just a little while. Just please hold my hand.
But I can’t because it makes me vulnerable and I don’t want to need anyone, my psyche pushes me towards needing someone, because we all need someone somewhere inside, but need means trust, trust that they will be there, trust that they will understand, trust is not an option. It’s saving them and me because if they feel responsible and something goes wrong, they weren’t there, they didn’t understand, and I fell, they would have guilt. And I couldn’t handle someone having my responsibility because what if they let me fall when I need them, have grown used to them, and can’t be without their support, I’d shatter. So when I open my mouth to ask for that hand, no words come out, just the same mask and the pain in my chest. Take that deep breathe, finish the tears and find some distraction.use