My hand shakes started this evening. That coupled with a very angry, irrational mood today for no particular reason at all. Yesterday was more of the same, but I attributed it to not much sleep the night before and I managed to buckle down my agitation for Mother’s Day dinner with the family, counting the minutes till it was over and sitting on my hands to quell the irritation. I am surprised no one noticed my complete lack of capability to carry a conversation but the late night the day before convinced me and them that must be the reason. Lost my appetite and haven’t had much to eat since yesterday, the thought of food is completely nauseating at the moment as the lump in my chest makes everything unpalatable.
I was awful today, i could barely drag myself out to have lunch with the kids, but I knew I had to and was hoping it would snap me out by getting outside, but it was more of the same sense of dread and need to leave that hung over me through it all. Took myself down to the beach knowing I had to let the kids play but every nerve ending just wanted to be home and in bed.
Which is where I ultimately ended up in for the remainder of the day, evening, night with occasional forays to the couch. Thankfully the kids are old enough to give me leeway and manage themselves as I was awful and listless, dreary and snappy, and they still love me.
So what to say, I had mentioned to my psych last week that I was afraid of what could happen if things broke down, I think the fear is in the back of my mind, and I had said to my therapist that the walls did seem to be closing in, I was starting to lose focus on why I was doing this and the daily stress of surviving was claustrophobic. I’m worried, the symptoms of an episode are pulsating but I don’t know what to do, what to fix or change. It’s that omnipresent weight of not being able to move and feeling trapped.
I need to get to my yoga but i can’t make it happen, kids all week, work running late, missing the classes, house is a mess, or I am just tired and if I hit yoga too late I start a cycle of getting to work tired which is another stressor, just want to scream.
I want to hit pause on life for a week, just give me a moment to stop, I need to stop. I am going away on Thursday which is now seeming more than I should do to race off and come back tired, straight into a cycle of work and kids from the day I land.
I have to go, I have unfinished business to take care of and maybe this is also a trigger, my security levels are low, I don’t need conflict or indecision and all are looming. I can’t breathe, thankfully the kids are here as tonite the urge to cut is well and strong, the tension is tight, I hear myself snapping and it’s not me plucking those strings.
I’m going to wait this out till tomorrow, take a sedative tonight and try and get into therapy. Fuck, I hate this. Just need to focus to unravel but so near the edge of this episode its blurry and the physical discomfort is everywhere, my neck, my shoulders, my chest, my skin, just want it to stop.