Sitting where I was yesterday, enjoying the last few moments of a quiet mind before it begins to wake up and feed off the senses. They’re like little maggots multiplying as the day goes on.
It’s beautiful right now and this is where I wish I could hit my pause. Give me a few days of calm so I can wrestle myself back in to shape.
I want to write about my yesterday, the trip to the psychologist and all ensuing but I can’t re-live it all of it. I hate when I break, when I have to admit I need help, when I need to let myself be vulnerable to be strong. That slow crumble of the wall that was breaking anyways. The fear is always what if the reinforcements I let in fail me? Once I give up that tiny bit of myself I have left what if they say no. My psych called my family, I was too low and too unstable to be left alone for too long of periods of time. I was “not high risk at this time but could be”. She’s right but my current insecurity is trust amongst all the other items trying to suck me down the rabbit hole.
I am hoping work stays relatively calm. Out of the meager time I spent at work Yesterday i may have accomplished about 30min of actual work. I have a finance meeting today, not sure how that’s going to go. Yuck.
Physically the pain is still in my neck, back and shoulders. The discomfort in my chest is rising but still feel like I can breathe. I should book myself a massage to alleviate some of the tension but it just means $ signs clinking in the register and with being so unstable right now if I have to take a leave from work getting massaged is an unnecessary expenses, including the mani pedi I blew off yesterday for the same. Plus my upcoming trip this weekend, which I know both my doctors are thinking will be a hard integration back in, the time away is fine, it’s the assimilation straight back in to work, kids, life when I get back without that ubiquitous pause.
Talking about the trip is for another day. Challenges have already arisen like having no place to stay when I first get there because my ex just rented out my house. Not that that’s a huge challenge, enought friends to bunk with but was sorely looking forward to my own time in my own space in my own bed. Ok cannot go there. For another blog. Mania blog because that’s what I need to curb there.