I am sneaking a quick moment to update on the highs and lows. Yesterday was low, really low, not quite beyond low but dipped pretty close to the point of no return. I have to thank Hugh for taking the initiative for baby-sitting me even without really having a realization of what he was dealing with. Though my psychologist called my sister, I always hate to burden her with watching me with her having a family and a challenged baby, she’s got enough on her plate too. My mother is really rather pathetic at it and I think I would spend more time worried about her and that would be counter productive. In all honesty, it still comes down to I need a way to manage myself and not need help. My psych did give me an example of turning it around, if my sister had a car accident and a broken leg, would I feel resentful? No, I wouldn’t. If my mum was diabetic and needed constant care, yes yes I would be there. So why do I gauge myself differently, because people can’t SEE my ailment. I wish I could break out in purple hives and a sway back when I am down so that at least it shows and I don’t feel like a perfectly normal person stating I am about to have a episodal breakdown.
On the other note, if it did show the whole time I would be labelled with the mental health “crazy” stigma and not be able to function within society without being singled out. Onc cannot really win, though in the end you can never win when you’re “crazy”. Best I can hope for is keeping level as much of the time as possible until I hit menopause, which according to all will ease things off. I have noticed the older I get, the easier it get ton control, is that age or experience? I obviously have learned a lot from DBT and counselling, and of course from the mistakes. But, as my hormones settle down, I also feel a shift, more calm than storm. I should be happy I am getting older, is that my silver lining?
Back to today, I came out pretty level this morning, I took an hour to try and plan my mental day and equip for what I thought could happen and set my expectations so nothing could surprise me. So far its been good, but a little too good because at one point the happy seemed a bit too happy which always means there’s going to be a low sometime today… just need to keep watch over those voices and not let them fool me into anything. I wonder if people can imagine what it’s like to not trust your own mind.
Yes, yes, even as I write this I can feel the twinges of mania, just need to rein it in, rein it in.