{May 16, 2012}   Gong Show (reader caution: trigger)

I’m sitting here huddled knowing that I am a mess. The only sanctuary I could find was to hide in the backseat of my car and just let it go. It hurts, my mind, my soul and I needed somewhere to scream and cry and this was it. The backseat well of my car in the underground.

I don’t know what I want to do, I know I have lost this round. I couldn’t contain it and I couldn’t find help. I thought as I sat on the pavement that I could call 911 and they would find me a bed. Then I would have reason to pause. There would be an answer to work, to life, to everyone. I’m in the hospital. In the hospital life stands still.

It comes with consequence. And I guess that’s why I’m here. Tucked into the grubby, nasty seat well where i can let you out and have nothing to harm myself with. Hit scream cry. I hate being rational. I keep looking over at my keys wondering how much pain they can inflict and I know not enough.

I left Hugh back at my apartment. I’m sorry he had to see any of this. It’s almost like, or it is the beginning of the end, men dont like weakness in me, what they like is strength. Secondly once my vulnerability shows I can’t seem to go back because I don’t know how to be normal again.

I feel like dying. Go to sleep say good bye. My mind keeps running the scenarios. Drink the motor oil. Turn the engine on. Smell the fumes. Fuck you Amanda I know you hate me to want me to die. Not yet. Not this time I am still fighting.

I want to go to the hospital but I can’t. I need the respite but I can’t have another mark on my record. I just don’t know what to do. If I stay home I lose my job. If I got to the hospital I have a reason and won’t. But if I do I run the risk of not being in control of their decisions. They ask me why I feel trapped. I feel trapped. Can’t turn anywhere without a consequence and then I want to just turn it off. Turn no where. They wonder where suicide comes in. It’s when we have no where and no one to go too. Yes, we have people that love us but it’s not enough. You don’t know what to do with us and that makes us pretend, we take care of you from what we are and shut you out. Husbands, wives, friends, families, we love you but you don’t know so we leave you out. When you try to help we cant guide you and when we’re healthy we don’t want to.

So. What to do as I hide here somewhere between harm and sanctuary. How do I make tomorrow go away without going away myself. I need happiness without this insanity. Without the pills. Without the work. Without the doctors. Without the insanity. Without burdening.

It’s morning now and every fiber of me aches. Likely from hanging out in the backseat of a car. Lol. It is funny. I came out with a tougher resolution to kick this today I can’t keep going like this I am hating this person. The ups and downs make me a rag doll in the wind with no control. Power through today no chinks in the armour and do not give in. I am reading my own book I know what happens before it does, I knew the mania was coming yesterday and I knew it would take me up and then drop me like a rock and yet I still couldn’t catch the rock with foreshadowing in my chapter. Today. Today you would think the sadness would return, it hasn’t yet but I am tired which is not helping. I also look like a raccoon, the bags under my eyes, what is work going to think.

Let’s see how the day goes. Chin up.

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

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