borderlinegirlliveshere











{May 20, 2012}   Murmurings

Last post was all for not. I guess it better I over stress and worry and it come to nothing. Meeting up with my ex was nothing like I expected and i am far more at ease. He definitely did some work and matured in the last 6 months and was lovely and understanding. Unfortunately a few of the women he’s dating are not happy with my presence but that just added to the flavor of life today as I was packing up my things and they “accidentally” came by. So, I spun myself into an unnecessary tizzy. We had a good day today, put some water under the bridge and a new outlook on being friends. Another stressor lifted.

I do feel my Jekyll and Hyde in a physical way here, how can I be such a different person here than I am back home, other home. I sat on the boat today, sans all the accoutrements of city life, back to pulling lines and jumping about barefoot not giving a crap about looking good. Well other than the fact that I am fatter now since I don’t spend my days running around boats but sit in an office and weaker from no physical work. I am two different people, one cannot imagine me as this person if you know me from my other life and vice versa.

I want to be in the tropics, somewhere small, small community, the smell of the ocean, the slowness of life, less stratification, less materialism, just less. Somewhere you can be happy just being you without judgement and worrying about all the what if this and that. There will always be something no matter where i am because nothing is perfect, it’s just easier in less of a western culture. I have a few more years yet before I can leave the kids for extended periods of time but I need to put my foot somewhere. My heart clenched today when I realized I would not have the money to come here very often and then where would I get my escape? My mind and body starts to relax as soon as I smell the air feel the ocean, step into a community where everyone knows you, it would be even better if I could be somewhere with all this and great food, Thailand anyone?

My next hurdle today is to see my friends that live on an island that nursed me through my last breakdown. I owe them a lot and right now feeling a bit nervous but I know I shouldn’t be. I’m also heading back to my side of the pond, my beach bar, my side of the ocean and my old home, except for not living here anymore. Excited and hoping things just mesh back to how they were. Bright side. I think we can paddle board to the new YCCS marina for lunch, new mega yacht marina that is beautiful. Then maybe just a chair on the rock for some mojitos and then wine sitting in the water. I’m salivating at the thought!

I haven’t heard from Hugh, I think he’s somewhere out in the cold cold pacific waters. Went swimming off of Salt Island yesterday and it was bath tub warm and not a soul in the white sand beach. Couldn’t see a person or a boat it was heavenly. Back to Hugh in the cold water, no note, is that strange or normal? I guess I do the same so I should take it as normal in an abnormal sort of way in this curious stage we are in. Wonder if he would like it here, it’s very rustic, back to those two worlds again. Maybe if there are 2 of me I should just let them each have their own life.

Well time to go find a boat to borrow and head across the Sound.

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