I am back home and feeling great, my time away, as my doctors all said, was needed badly. I structured my trip so there was no uncertainty and made sure i tackled the hard issues right up front and took the time to always find joy in each day. I settled some demons that I had left behind (I used to live there), and though not everything is in bed, I feel good about it. My financial woes are still chasing at my tail but for now I cannot do much and with my stress level low its manageable.
The word that floated through my mind and yelled out with a fist pump while there was free. My claustrophobia that i get here and the sense of being locked in a cage while running a hamster wheel was gone. The societal pressure was non existent, the need to be a certain way and act a certain way, gone, and just the liberation of being somewhere small and always having a connection no matter where I went, no matter how small or insignificant is a buoyant feeling. There still is always some form of human segregation no matter where you go but in a small town things can be minimized or maximized, and truth is, there is no space for extremes and the flatness of the society is ideal, where you can have dinner with Morgan Freeman, the clerk from the hardware store and the elecrician all at a table and we become just humans.
People are worried about me still, I think my integrating back was cause for concern, that it may deflate me, and since it has only been a day I do have to proceed with caution, stay conscious of my actions, rest and move slowly. So far so good, I didn’t rush to unpack, I have been sleeping, made sure i took a few days before the kids came over, not cooking, no laundry, just slow and steady. It’s been so calm in my head it’s touching on discombobulating.
Hugh said I was acting a bit strange yesterday when we went for drinks. Threw me for a little loop so I took a few moments at bedtime to review our evening drinks. I asked him about his weekend, just to see what he was up to, I know he went sailing, he was up front about his ex joining and I am well aware he has male and female friends. I suppose maybe it came off overly questioning because he is so guarded that unless i am pointed nothing is forthcoming, he will answer a direct question but he won’t volunteer. It’s a male trait for sure but doubly so with Hugh and at times the shroud piques my curiosity as to why it’s necessary. He asked if I was jealous and that gave me pause. We equate jealousy as a negative emotion in our society, but jealousy can be healthy. Yes its natural to have a twinge when you realize someone you care about is spending time with others, it means you care, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad. I don’t resent it, I don’t not wish it to be, and as humans you do want to be involved but on the flip side, I had a great time where I was, and yes, I spent time with my ex and male friends, does that make it illicit, not at all. Jealousy with security and honesty is not a bad thing, it means you can take that energy and feeling, find the good in it, the vulnerability and be a stronger person. Long winded, i was more curious for information than green, I don’t particularly like that colour on me, makes me seem sallow and highly unattractive, but a touch here and there in the right shade can accent.
Vulnerability popped out of that paragraph and that is my achilles heel of BPD, vulnerability to another person is a trigger so strong it’s the kill switch, which is why I secure against it so tightly. Emotions flow into one another and just like BPD or it is BPD, they need to be managed. Trust and vulnerability are more volatile to me than jealousy could ever be, jealousy will not trigger, I rarely feel that emotion negatively, vulnerability she needs to be locked up, padlocked, thrown in a hatch and sunk. She’s evil to me, opens the drawbridge to all sorts of creatures. She’s not in play, she hasn’t been to play for a while, she needs a good leash and a nanny. Further on a future blog on Ms. Vulnerability trying to be my BFF.
Work calls, the office is now full, time to begin the day and hope it goes quick because I am dying to know who won American Idol and it’s sitting on my PVR at home!!