I kind of blew my last blog to shit. I was doing so good, keeping that even line, taking it slow, and one trigger and I was blown out of the calm straight into the waves. I am working hard to pull it in, reel in the ugly but it’s fighting me hard to get out. It all came from such a silly, stupid altercation with a co-worker who has been a constant thorn in my side from day one, a bully. To have someone so meaningless shatter the fragility is compounding my instability.
As we know, I am not a combative or argumentative individual, I know those emotions are crack for my BPD. As much as I can, I walk away, I diffuse or I find the merit. But even I can be pushed only so far, and working in an office where I cannot walk away and have to interact does not help. I hold the high road and I have done my best to keep clarity, to no avail today, I guess when the docs said i would be fragile on returning from my trip they knew what they were talking about.
My desire to have a drink earlier was so strong, tamping that down was a heroic feat in itself. I am mad at myself for not being strong enough, I am mad I cracked, I am mad I am unstable, I am mad because it has now thrown my day (and I hope just my day) into a mess that is now setting me back in work and emotionally, because the energy is now going into closing the chasm of haunted souls wanting to come through and inhabit my mind. I can feel them breathing on the edges, that cackle of anticipation as they wait for one more blow.
I want to leave work and get away from any stimulus that would push me over. I am shoring up the defences as I write but they’re pretty flimsy paper shields, anything stronger than a puff of wind will send them flying. All I can hope for is no other trigger today. The ax murderer in me just keeps seeing knives, it was so bad earlier, shaking so hard and gasping, i just needed that cut to take the edge away. But, of course, I needed to take the “proper road”, no cutting, work on it, so freakin’ tired now holding this at bay but damn it, I can’t have one small idiot take my serenity away.