Been a tiring day today and lagging behind this afternoon, need a little adrenaline boost, feeling flat.
I’ve been having difficulties with a co-worker for the last 4-5 months, and as of late it has come to ahead, to the point that i lost sight of my emotional control last week and spend several hours sobbing in the bathroom stall and then in the numerous gift shops I could find in and around work to hide in. It was no comfort that this was highly visible to the executive team at work and the damage to my self esteem when I have to work hard enough already being the only female in a very male dominated field to now exhibit a female weakness.
To my kudos, it wasn’t to the perpetrator, to him I managed to be more mad than sad, an emotion that for my BPD is like feeding catnip to a cat, straight to the head. After the several hours I did hitch the big girl pants back up and went on as normal, which doesn’t mean necessarily that things are normal. Glaring example of that was getting up today and not wanting to go to work. I amy have my grumbly grousey day but I don’t mind work, but the control needed to stay wary of this co-worker drains me. It’s enough to manage my day to day, but the extra pressure now to have my force field on the entire time at work is bumming me out, this was one of my positive things in life and it’s becoming a potential trigger spot.
I saw my psychologist and she was the one that concurred that it is an ever present trigger and I had to try and bounce anything of as soon as possible and not let him in at all. Case and point, more work. This particular individual is akin to having a bratty 6 year old next to me that cannot cease with the barbs and taunts, I upset the bully and now the bully needs to re-claim his ego.
My boss is doing a great job of trying to tamp him down, none of this is of my doing, but unfortunately this is adding flame to the fire, when he’s around it’s a deceptive calm, once he leaves its feeding time.
I don’t have a solution right now but I dread the next 2 weeks when everyone in my office is gone but the two of us. The agitation is starting to build, I want my workplace back. This must be the feeling people have when their home has been burgled and you feel violated, your safe place defiled.