Ok. I’m putting on happy face and gonna pull the energy form the depths. Fuck I’m not going to mess this up just because I can’t deal. So world, I’m coming back and no one will know the better and meanwhile I need to concentrate and find neutral ground. I took an extra bupropion this morning but the clonazepam they said only at night. I wish the bu hurried up and make me happy so I don’t have to care about the ugly or at least have the ability to push it aside till I can pummel it later. Happy happy happy. I will not be forceful. I will not be opinionated. I will agree. I will just stay low low low.
Not sure what to do, put smiley face on even if i feel horrid inside and let it fester in there or maybe find someone to call back home. I can only smiley face so long before it eats me up but i don’t want to mess with hugh’s time here by making him even more upset with me than he already is. on my monti scale i am about a 3, 1 being bad and 10 being good.
Sigh, hate this. seriously always feel like the black widow spider, not sure i can ever keep the web clean, best if no one comes to visit because as hard as i try i don’t seem to get it right and then i feel bad because i wanted to, but i failed, again.
maybe ill try Amers, she should be at work.
i was so spun last night and the only form of pain i could inflict on myself was to dig my nails into my skin. i thought it was just a minor pain but looking at my arm this morning i now have crescent shaped tracks running up my arm to add to the graphic art of my cutting scars. theyre not deep, should pass by end of day but right now looking quite lurid, like a chicken tracked across my arm and then got chased by a cat.
Some humour in the moment.
you know those days where no matter what you do you can’t get it right. you have best intentions but they don’t fit with anyone else’s thoughts. its been like this for a couple of days and i have a lump in my throat that burns and wants to explode into tears because i keep getting it all wrong at every turn.
im on a mini break, hugh was really nice to let me come on a trip he had pre-planned, and as much as possible i have been trying to be non intrusive and not be a reason for him to change how he would normally have been sans me, meaning stay out-of-the-way, let him interact like he normally would without having to lug me around or leave because of me. needless to say i have been doing a poor job and the guilt is nibbling up right behind the knot in my throat.
last night we were out with his friends, which seemed like a normal event for him, out with the boys. I had, unfortunately, gotten stung by a scorpion that day and was trying hard to not make a big deal of it, trust me it hurt badly, but I didn’t want to interrupt the flow. as the night wore on i was starting to feel it, i was tired, my anxiety was very odd, i almost felt like throwing up, i actually tried twice to no avail. i felt like if i told Hugh he would get worried and want to come back with me, and last thing i wanted to do was disrupt his fun, so when he left for a moment i excused myself to run back to where we were staying, letting the peeps we were with to tell him i was tired and wanted to go to bed (never trust drunk men to relay a message).
of course, i just made things all worse, and the fact that he is now mad at me has my stomach in knots, and he’s not someone to talk to when he’s mad, the displeasure is very clear, sort of everything i wanted to avoid. not to mention that same day, i was told i was bossy and did not take direction well while trying to help, ouch, and that my behaviour was similar to my nemesis at work, which made me feel even more like shit that night, am i that bad a person because I despise that man, so that makes me an awful person too?
so now i am trying to sort out all these feelings and decide how best to categorize them because my guilt is eating me up from the inside and the tears are constantly on the verge when i think of all my mistakes. i think maybe best to just stay out-of-the-way more and try to not be so overt, just help if im asked, tamp down my opinions, and take me down a few notches and be in the background. Now i need to focus on swallowing this horrible feeling of disappointment in myself, i just want to go find a place to hide and just give him some space, i am sure the constant reminder of me must be sickening and being stuck w me 24/7.
my BPD wants me to crawl into bed and hide or just disappear into a hotel for a night so i don’t have to see the reminder of my flaws. trust me looking at hugh makes me feel smaller than a roach, worse than the scorpion that bit me. im trying to get a grip and counsel myself into this is not a big deal and i am over reacting, but try to tell that to my stomach and chest that’s ready to explode and the lump and hot tears wanting me to crack. maybe i should go for a walk and stay out-of-the-way for the day and hope that when night comes i can function better.
so much work to do today and its a struggle now. feeling bad because i have to deliver two severance letters and deal with the paperwork. hate doing things that make people feel bad and 2 more just landed on my lap on top of everything else. would like to just go lie by the pool but that seems a nice thing to do when i should be self flagellation instead.
i took an anti anxiety last night, need to check the bottle and see if i can take one more today and bump up my buproprion to counter act the sadness.
other than all this, it s beautiful and amazing here, i love it, and i wouldn’t be back home for anything right now. See, a positive thought. 🙂
Well, not that im surprised, got a letter from my health insurance today stating that due to my BPD I am declined additional insurance. Should i be unable to work due to disability (because of course mental health is not a disability), the standard $3000 a month does not apply to me, nor do I get the $500,000 life insurance.They’ll give me $100,000 for “accidental death.”
Let’s give me another kick in the ass shall we?
Feeling somewhat agitated this morning, did not make it out of bed for work, just could not face the day. However, I do have a psychologist appointment this late morning and am anxious about that too! Nothing like spilling your traumas out. All a good thing, I need to own up to my mess. Just that after these appointments i tend to be a mess.
Speaking of good things have started to compile a list of good things in life, it is meagre right but will post once I finish.
Sorry to have just disappeared leaving no idea of what happened to me. it wasn’t good but the fact that I am writing is good. I didnt have enough support last week and it really drove me down into that place we never want to go, sitting and staring at the pills, with that deep freeze and cold focus over coming you, where you’re not sure if you are really you, the world is stopped in time, the quiet loud and the din around you fading. when cutting fails is when it truly is bad, and watching the coloured pills spill onto the bed, was like magic jelly beans to a softer place. but the mind is strong and i did waver many times, thoughts of going to emergency, thoughts of answering the phone that kept ringing, thoughts of calling someone, but the inertia was set in. the energy to go to emerg, putting people out to call 911, what to say when you answer the phone. reaching out seems so much simpler than it really is, because i have too much guilt of making people feel bad, of making them help me, of thinking i am charity.
my friend did finally break through my threatening to call the police which triggered my fear of making a spectacle. i spend all this time being happy for people so i am not a spectacle so they dont need to worry and be embarrassed.
i did manage to down a few but nothing harmful before help came. that internal torture, how does one ever describe the racking pain and confusion, the manic need to get out of oneself, huddled in a corner crying for it to go away, pleading with it to go away, heaving through the misery. to the point where all you can do is anything to escape.
i feel better now, i know im not through the fire, ive had people with me since, but i know they all think that since i seem “normal” again today im good. i dont know how to say, im only stable because you are here, and yes, it is making me better, but 2 days of antibiotics does not cure the virus, it will return if you stop the medication, and the medication is people. i am panicked about being alone tomorrow, about making it through the day, about tackling life, about failing at life, but as much as i want to ask for a hand hold, i can’t, everyone WANTS me to be better, every grasp they have that i seem OK elicits a palpable relief i can feel, so how do i explain i need more, i just hate to disappoint, they want me happy. i can already feel the creep of wanting to go find a bar after work to drown in the noise as opposed to come home, because after a day of tackling work and life, my mental state is drained and i have nothing at home to prop me up.
i am getting better, i just have so many decisions and responsibilities its hard to take the mental energy inwards while trying to balance life which is slowing the process down. i need a pause on life for a little while to fight this. but even taking a pause is causing me angst, i want to go away, but i worry about prior commitments, i worry about work, i worry about money, that i spin in a circle i cannot escape and then the walls come in closer and closer. how do i get away to be better without some part of life crumbling, what do i sacrifice that will not come back to bite me. the answer is, nothing, there is no right path, no right way, no shining light, something has to give and the pressure of holding it all is the reason i am chained to this episode, i dont know how to come out, i do, but not without consequence.
thanks for being there, please know i am trying but its slow, so slow, help me find that pause button.
I have that calm before the storm, that eye of the hurricane, I feel so calm and all I want to do is take all the pills one by one and go to sleep, just let it take me away where it doesn’t hurt, where I don’t need to explain, where whether someone loves you or not is irrelevant and where u burden not a soul. Where I don’t ache like my body is cracking into a million pieces.
I just cried every last emotion out of my body and it still aches like knives cleaving through every cell and I don’t feel much left but to inflict more pain or take the pills and close my eyes. I am not sure I have the strength to go to emergency.
It just feels dead, dead pain, what is there to do but put on the happy face again tomorrow and hope that I can reach out and touch someone to stay sane for another day, try and not break. I know the hospital would be easiest someone to watch me, be with me, talk to me till this is through. But going this alone, now, today, yesterday, tomorrow, trying to drown out the need to ask for help is making me want to give up, right here, right now, take the pills, close my, eyes, say good night.
Hurts again tonight. Trying to sit still and breathe out the pain but it’s not and heavy in my chests the tears wanting to spill out. Feel like a cyclone of nothingness around me and no where to go, no where to hide. I want to reach out and ask for help but I can’t. My walls are caving in and I’m getting worse everyday and I can’t feel the end of the despair and loneliness yet. I don’t want to be needy so I keep pretending it’s ok when I want to scream for people to come over and take me out of my head. The tears have started and I don’t want to be here, this gut wrenching hurt of nothingness inside of me. I don’t want to drive people away with this, I don’t want it to be misconstrued as insecurity and neediness but that it what it comes out like. I need out of this cage, I need something, I don’t know what it is but it hurts so so so much and it’s so alone right now. I don’t know where to go, I don’t want to go alone, but if I stay here I’m going to hurt myself. I already cut 2 nights ago and it felt so good to get it out. I know I shouldn’t do it again but it would make this feeling leave me.
I wish I could cry onto the paper so someone could feel the emptiness. How many more days of this, I don’t know how strong I can be, everyone wants me to be strong, like I can kick this over.
I want to be so out of here right now, my apartment solitude is a stranglehold of my tears and silence.
I don’t want to cut. I don’t want to cut on tonight. I need to go out. I need something.