{June 4, 2012}   Failure

Interesting that I am staring at a blank screen incapable of writing even as a torrent of emotions and thoughts are cycloning through my head. Even now, as always, I know the reason, none of these thoughts are coherent enough to manifest themselves clearly in my mind for me to pull them apart. They come and go teasing me negatively, one after the other till I my mind is confused and my body unable to do anything but sit comatose waiting for the next picture to begin in my mind.

Obsessive, obsessive about everything, scared and physically and mentally incapable of mustering an ounce of enthusiasm, excitement or desire. Watching from the outside I am the flat green line on the heart rate monitor, I am sitting here but I am dead, and if not dead, immobile except for my mind that keeps me here.

I am tired, I want to take my mind out and put it aside for a few moments to take away the painless ache of not knowing what’s going on. There are a few pictures, but no answers, why can I not move forward in this lethargy, why is it only my mind that is working within scenarios, scenarios not of my choosing?

Is it possible for tears to gather for something you never felt? Can you miss something you never experienced? Can you feel a loss for something you never had? Can your body and mind truly connect to a soul, a glimmer that came through your life, a slice of what might have been, but never was?

The magic of the moment so intense it suffocated, that there could be such a wondrous world, bathed in the innocent light of the fading day, glimmering with a halo of calm from the setting rays, and the maddening quiet of my mind trying to understand how I could be within such harmony and feel inexplicably torn by the torrent of my soul.

Why are we given the experiences we have and what do they mean? The tears that welled and almost came, tears of happiness capturing an idyllic moment of time, and the sorrow of a heart yearning to absorb yet unable to break the confines of life. Unable to understand the mysteries given, the fate handed out and the choices to make.

How do you know if you are to take the path less trodden, to take the straight and narrow or to stand alone with nary a path. Are we meant to be alone, can I be alone, am I safer alone? I have worked so hard to tame the beast, to find and open tiny windows of light that had been shut for so long, to allow happiness to play unfettered, to bridge the chasms of uncertainty. My individual journey to the recesses of my mind, to the dark chambers, to the wars and the murky poisons, slowly facing the residents and claiming back life rightfully earned. The land is still pockmarked but there is a stronger light at the end of the tunnel, where once it seemed ready to falter and flicker into darkness, it now throbs brighter, a beacon in the soul, illuminating the still long and dangerous path, but shedding enough hope through the shrouded caverns to make me want to forge ahead where before I wished it to crumble and take me with its fall.

I met a soul where I thought none existed. A soul outside the walls I guard with care. Karma says it was meant to be, but where does it play to my destiny and what did it mean. Is it a test to my resolution to stay within my gilded cage, to deny the golden fruit, and continue with my song? There lies a kindred spirit within its own glass confines, revolving within its own walls, in a separate universe, seeking similar truths to mine but in a different land.  Do I stand his course and take this poignancy never knowing what it meant in the road of life. Do I fail?

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et cetera
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