{June 4, 2012}   Red Warning Flag (suicidal ideations, trigger)

I regressed, 4 red slash marks, I needed it, to watch it, to suffer, to punish, to ebb the loss and pain that flooded through and threatened to shatter the dam, that the shaming pinpricks of that pain made the difference to staying afloat in a space I have no control that is consuming me. I hate who I am, this creature that transforms, the insecurities, the stupid fears, the lack of conviction, the need to please, the paranoia, the mistakes. I hate it.

Cut open my chest, tear the breast bone apart and see that this heart is pure, there is not much left that is pure in this polluted and tainted soul, but it’s pure and it’s fighting to the surface. I despise who I am because I am doomed to fail for virtue of what I am, no matter how hard the grip on the barrell, no matter how far I climb, the bottom is where I inevitably end up, only to make the arduous climb, fingernails clawing off, only to push myself back down to where I belong. Alone. At the bottom, waiting for it to end again.

I can’t keep good, it can’t find me, the devil lives within me and maybe I am pretending I can be better, but maybe I can’t, and I should I let it go, give in, because who the hell am I fighting for when I can’t keep them with me anyways. People move forward one step at a time, I take 3 steps forward and 2 back, how do I expect to stay in step, why do I think I can stay in step, because doctors say I can get better, be better, I’m not a better, I am like an alcoholic, a druggie, it’ll be in there, my drug is myself, drugs don’t hurt me, I do and just like a druggie, everyone around me.

I’m low tonight, very low, the knives are barely at bay but the tension is high I want to scream the demons in my head, I contemplate many things negative and positive. I know I should go to the hospital for them to intake me, admit that I am horrible, I’m a horrible person that can’t do this, keep hurting people, making mistakes that cost, never getting it right. I just want to be good, I’m just not built that way, I’m programmed to hurt myself and those around me, no matter how pure the intentions, I can’t live like 2 people, 2 people making choices for one person.

I want to feel that warmth, that pain that will cut my pain, that sliver into my flesh, it’s calling so hard to me, release me, hurt me. I want these words to dissuade me, if I put them down they will transfer to paper and not skin, with skin screaming and heart pounding and guilt assaulting. Please don’t let me do it. Amanda go away, I don’t want to, I don’t want to be me tonight, tomorrow, ever. So much pain, so much pain.

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et cetera
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