{June 6, 2012}   Alone

the pain is coming back again, creeping into my shoulders one claw pick at a time, bones starting to ache, skin uncomfortable like a stranger’s covering mine, the words beating me down beginning their chorus in my mind, eyes are burning, darkness floating back in, time to sink, give in again, listen to the jeers of my worthlessness, the line still rings through my mind, i can never be trusted to not drop my pants at the slightest pressure. not the kind of girl that can be trusted, not that kind of girl, dirty, lying, cheating girl.

i see Amanda, her hands on her hips, taunting me, worthless me, no one wants you but me, they all think you’re bad and ugly, tainted. broken. torn. Tears, tears coming again, crying it out, why would you want to hurt me, i only did what i had to, is my shame in hiding it, forgetting it, wanting it go away. Is the real me not apparent, can no one see past the BPD to my goodness, to appreciate me, love me?

Alone, so alone, so tired of being alone. They all are the judge and the jury. Gavel in hand, guilty without the facts, guilty.

Finding the cracks, finding the walls, finding the moonlight, all of us together again, slowly she inserts the shards of glass back into my heart, into my soul, splintering, so again, they lie around me, twinkling in the light, leaving us hand in hand again, alone.




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et cetera
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