Marsha Linehan, one of the world’s leading experts on BPD, describes it this way: “Borderline individuals are the psychological equivalent of third-degree-burn patients. They simply have, so to speak, no emotional skin. Even the slightest touch or movement can create immense suffering.”
Crippling anxiety this morning, claustrophobic, somehow had it in my mind i might wake up feeling better this morning, but the sickness in my chest has me huddled, arms tight around me, wishing the tension would release, the grip on my throat relax. again feel like throwing up, the accumulation of everything horrible sitting at the base of my throat.
not sure how i am going to make it to the pharmacy, the effort of sitting up and picking up the laptop to write was difficult enough, leaving bed is another marathon in itself. it’s pathetic and weak but i wish someone was here to hold me, not speak, just hold me, stroke me, and ease some tightness from my skin. i have my cat, sixth sense on high alert, she has been very attentive, lying as close to me right now, feeling my hurt? shes not so good or big enough for stroking and holding me, quite the opposite.
my challenge today is to make myself go to the pharmacy, i was hoping to walk, but its pouring rain outside which means driving. driving. also going to eat a little. i had a tiny bowl of yoghurt last night that tasted like soggy cardboard in my mouth but i ate it. liquids seem to be fine, water, tea, if i had juice id likely drink that. if anyone who is not mentally ill is reading this blog, it may help them to see that mental illness can manifest physically, our minds translate to our bodies when we are ill enough, fatigue, nausea, pain, headaches, chills, plus all our mental gymnastics takin a run at the vault too.
depressing apartment, if i compressed it, i would be living in a bag lady’s shopping cart, the will to do nothing has pretty much imploded, clothes, dishes, junk, everywhere. normally not the neatest anyways, multiply that tenfold and i now live in a bum’s cart.
i need the clonazepam for this anxiety, if i call my mother she will have a massive freak out and make it worse, too many questions, answers, reprimands. the person that could help, my sister, is out of town. everyone else, i dont want them to know. too many questions and they’ll all treat me funny and l know theyll be thinking about me as the nut job each time from now on. no thank you.
breathing through the vise around my torso, having to tell my boss i need time off is frightening. my short term is to say i am sick till Monday, then stick handle it from there. 4 weeks… who’s going to pay my bills, file all the paperwork for sick leave, disability, and on and on. alone for a month?
Linehan’s achievement was to realize that borderlines are, in fact, on the border between various dualities — dualities that they have to learn to accept and reconcile in order to change their lives. That’s easy to say but seems impossible to do — until you see it work.