{June 7, 2012}   Brimming

call it silly, now that i have the drug im scared to take it. im supposed to take it before bedtime, which would be now, but i dont want to be completely knocked out, or groggy, or half functioning. ive taken drugs before where ive been a walking caricature of myself. this drug ive had before, along with ativan, lorazapam, all the “pams”, about 10 years ago and i also remember them all being addictive and when i tried to get off, the side effects were (no pun intended) borderline suicidal, and it took months to wean. im sure im being hyper sensitive, a. i only need to take it till i can get my mojo back, b. if it doesnt work, i just dont take it again. so, why am i trepidatious?

by the way, i also ate the most i have had in 4 days, i had a banana, a piece of bread, some mango and a cup of tea. success.

to go forward, i need to look back and appreciate that ive had some terrible lows, several near death moments, horrible memories and experiences and im still here and im still working on it. theres a lot i would like to forget, embarrassed, ashamed, but they have all helped me grow and learn, as much as i would like to eradicate them from my memory, its been a hard battle of so much loss, of self esteem, of pride, of friends, of loved ones, theres a lot of harsh experience in these years, of forgiving myself, with many thanks to doctors, to Buddhism, yoga, to friends and family. Buddhism, when i took the time in early 2000 to engage with my religion, when i was so low, newly released from the ward with nothing, absolutely nothing to myself but scars and no will to live, helped me find root in peace, forgiveness and calm. i could be bitter and angry, so easily, give in to my mind, erupt with anger, blame, which once upon a time i was, full of blame, lacking in confidence, self esteem so low im not sure i had any, scared of myself. i still hold all the characteristics of BPD, they will always be there, but I am taming them, slowly, so slowly and trying to keep my piece of goodness, look to goodness, believe, that when i stumble, i still have come far.

my mother hit me, my boyfriends have hit me, ive been held against my will, mentally abused, ive lost a child, ive been at gun point and knife point, almost drowned, and ive tried to kill myself several times. im pretty sure there was abuse, sexual- who knows, in the years ive wiped from my mind, i can think of no other reason but trauma to have lost the memory of 4 years, a void in my mind, maybe this is when the BPD started, i have always wondered what happened in those years when i was 6-10.

i was always scared of sex, people wondered why i waited so long to have sex, it scared me, and even when i started, sex was never enjoyable, it was always for the other person, waiting for it to be over, counting the ceiling tiles and making noises (i know this sounds horrible) so theyd be happy. something you had to do in a relationship and marriage. thankfully, when the fog cleared and the light started to come in, when i found that calm was possible, sex with the right person, someone you cared about, is pretty awesome. who knew?

i remember clearly the day i truly laughed again, laughed out loud from my soul, after years of being lost in my BPD, years i forgot how to  love my children, how to live, enjoy, appreciate, or even be, it had to be and is still is the most joyous moment of my life, feeling that well spring of happiness return for the first time in years, knowing it was still there and there was hope. in my dark moments, i need to remember all of this to bring me back, find the breath, go to that spot inside that still glows. Believe that there is hope and love. the cup is never brimming, but the few days it does brim when the stars align, its pretty great.

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et cetera
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