im too scared to call, email, text into work without a lot of questions coming back at me. normally i could handle this but at the moment the pressure is momentous and im rattled over being possibly rejected and if anyone said anything negative or conflicting back to me about it, i would slump. i have the “official” don’t work sheet i could just send in, but it would be odd without a note, but dont know what to say on the note, why on earth would anyone be off for 4 weeks. i also dont want to be off for 4 weeks, though this may come back to bite me in the head (literally) so do i write something that says, ill be off till Monday and then maybe i will need to work a few days a week and telecommute, but, oh wait, i might have another episode in there, so may stop working again? what do i say? what if im not ready on monday? what if they get mad? im sure i will be fine, if i could afford it, i should go away for a week, once i get back on my feet that is, re-set, write, yoga, eat, find a pool. go back to the me i was a month ago before the shit hit the fan and all was happy happy joy joy. i miss happy happy joy joy.
this is when having a partner is nice, someone to hold your hand and say, honey, ill do this for you, no need to sit and spin in bed getting yourself all messed up again, let me write your email and send this to your boss, better yet, let me call him for you. you should be focusing on getting out of the house to the pharmacy so you’re not an anxious bleeding mess, get the clonazepam. agh, i cant leave the house.
its 10am, i havent told anyone yet im not going to be coming in… panic. breathe.
maybe first step is ill scan the note in to my computer, look at it for a bit, lie in bed, listen to the trash truck, the children screaming in the playground, watch the rain clear, wonder if i can eat. i actually feel like soup today, first tangible item that seems palatable, vietnamese noodle soup, really spicy. need a magic box of room service, because i sure as hell am not leaving the house to sit in a restaurant alone, thinking about being alone, knowing im alone, then crying because im alone, pathetic. no soup for me.
so, amanda hasn’t come out today, thats an improvement. she’s taken every bit of ammunition from hugh and turned them into burning fireballs she likes to whip out at me while shutting me into a batting cage. im not mad at hugh, sad that he couldn’t listen or understand, and his knee jerk was to cut losses and basically end the chapter. sadness comes from thinking he understood, that there is the person and the disease and to judge on the emotion not the action and trust enough to believe me. disappointment, palpable, because i did think he knew based on his own experiences with mental health that there is more than meets the eye, and based on that i put all my very fragile eggs into the basket and it got dumped the minute a rotten one started to smell. yes, i cared too much and got rejection, yes, abandonment. he left me a text to call yesterday but i can’t handle the “i think you’re great, we can hang out, no emotions, you know what you did is wrong, so my gates closed because i think you will forever be untrustworthy and loose” discussion again. just writing it makes me want to choke back the nausea that he could think that with such conviction, that after months of thinking he knew me, it was a slap. yes, to the naked eye and even my gut, i hated what i did, if i want to stare at it straight on, if he cared, would he have said such things, tried to understand. doctors said i should have been mad, turned some of my anger outwards and not all onto myself, that he should have tried, that he should not have violated my privacy and judged me, that that that that… i told them THAT wasn’t what i was about. everyone’s entitled to their opinion whether it hurts me or not and i cant get mad at someone else for it. they basically said, and i quote “you’re too nice and you beat yourself inwardly too much”, which i think is better than the outwardly raging BPD, either way you hurt someone, better it be me.
well. back to the crisis i can do something about on hand.