{June 7, 2012}   Jitter Bug

feeling a bit better this evening, was very jittery after i got back from being out, unsettled and out of place, didnt know what to do with myself, wanted to get out of myself and just leave me alone, but that obviously was not going to work, disassociation doesn’t seem to work on command, only in 911 crisis. my head was throbbing from no food so i managed to get down a cup of tea and piece of bread, stopped myself from getting back into bed and went to the couch instead. baby steps.

i did email my boss with the note from the doctor and he came back with a benign reply telling me to get better which took a immense weight of my chest, no questions, phew. still unsure on what to do with myself, i have the clonazepam, but now im worried about taking it, i dont want to be a zombie walking around, i just want the itchy, nervous, anxiousness to leave. im flitting between claustrophobia and loneliness today, i fidget, look at my phone, pick up my ipad, look at the computer, and then repeat all over again. not sure why i look at my phone, im not planning on calling or texting anyone, my ipad, i pull up books and magazines, skim, put it down, check email, repeat, look at random things on-line. im strung out. the sun came out which made me incredible depressed (in addition to the depression) to think that everyone was out there but me. irrational, i know, but sad nonetheless.

thankfully my bff from high school called and she was real good about keeping my mind occupied. made me wistful for high school, best years of my life. i watched the season finale of Glee where they graduated and cried remembering how much i loved high school and my friends. we were so close, so tight and loved our group, we spent almost every living waking hour of the day with each other. We were all theatre geeks, so our lives were spent in the theatre, with many a make out session in between the stage curtains or the light booth. we loved, laughed, cried, experienced so much with one another. so innocent and so fun, the world was our kushi oyster and compared to now, not a care in the world. how much more simpler and open things were then, loving, laughing, being honest and unguarded about who we were with gusto.

my other tight gal pal happened to call right after so feeling flush and loved. amazing how many inane things you can talk about in an hour and be enjoyable. she wants me to come visit her, i know she’s worried, im feeling like a bit of an island here in Vancouver, shark infested waters in between me and everyone else. not much to do on my island, seem to have lost direction and am confused to where i should point or start, misplaced the compass. purpose, i lost purpose, everything important and grounded got shook up and i don’t have anything to anchor to, support beams crumbled.

i need a stack of magazines, delivered. going out to the pharmacy was interesting, i felt very uncomfortable walking the aisles waiting for my prescription, why on earth i would feel uncomfortable i can’t understand, but i felt like a neon buoy bobbing in the ocean. pharmacist said to me i looked like i was in a rush, i didnt think i was that obvious, but maybe the quivering gave it away, seems he wanted to chat, no thank you. i made an attempt at the grocery store and managed to skirt the outside into the bread aisle, where the smell of food made me want to puke, and all the people around were closing in. i managed to pick up a fruit smoothie and some bananas because they were both right at the check out and exit. after that experience i decided home was best, seriously where was i going to go anyways? was secretly hoping i would run into someone i knew, for a little human contact, make me mildly human again. feeling somewhat starved for an itty bitty bit of social interaction which means i must be feeling a touch better.

i am, back in bed, looking at the clonazepam, is it time. maybe ill try and go for a walk tomorrow. baby steps. i have to push myself back to life, this depression needs an ass kicking. no Amanda today either, curious. wish the sun would set so the day could be over.



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