Bit off more than I could chew today. decided i could have my kids, my son had a bday party from 5-9 so i figured that wasn’t so bad, could drop him off hang out with my other child. things never go quite so smoothly. my mum called needing help with something at my sister’s house, so picked her up and went over there, solved her issue, then she wanted to come across town with us as the kids needed some shopping. im ok so far, though managing 3 people when im barely managing myself is a stretch but i couldnt say no. all was well for a while till crisis, of course hit, not worth going into, small but enough. feeling the hackles starting to rise and pushing them down.
then another mum whose kid is also going to the party called and asked if i could pick up her kid, who also is my son’s bff, so cant so no. now have 4 children (my mum counts as a child).
after dropping 2 off at the party, decide i am going to take the brood to the country club, contained space, have some sorely needed drinks. all fine, have a nice wine, then staring at the table at my mother, kid 2 has found some friends and gone off to play, i decide to tackle my elephant in the room on how i could be the age i am and not know i had an older brother. based on my fragile state, not a smart move, way too much, hackles now all the way down my back. close that convo down quick as i know its not moving well for me. then my child gets thrown out of the play area for no known cause. i know my kid, not a trouble maker, but since some of the kids who were there were, all in that age range were tossed.
do you know how the incredible hulk starts to transform, you piss him off and you better take off. my outward rage is far and few between, i cant remember the last time, years and years ago, but i am not in a good space to begin with and its been a long day, the hackles are up and down. i coud feel the scales start to crackle across my skin, like the evil person transforming, i could feel good me trying to hold my arms back. dont fuck with my child, of all the things you want to pick at, do not make it my child because i will rip you to shreds. which, to the two 20 something “chaperones” i did just that, i think i peeled the skin off their bones.
maybe i needed some of it released, but unfortunately once the hulk is released it takes a while to process back down again. left the club, parked my mum and son at a restaurant, turned the music on as loud as i could and went to pick up child number one hoping the speed of the car, very fast, very very fast, and the pounding of the music would burn off the green. i am sure i looked like the creature from alien because i sure felt like it. focusing so hard to get the green mass back into the box.
i am now home. everyone is circling far far around me, like i have a moat surrounding me, dont come near till i let the drawbridge down, im getting there just be patient. takes a while to dismantle the weaponry and retract the claws. im not used to this me, im used to the depressive, let me demolish myself, this outward BPD, she doesnt come to play much because i have to be very very low and tired with provocation for it to come out. tackling too much today while still in a depression was just dumb. i know my personality i want to get this over with, move forward, fight, get back to ground zero, but… im not ready, just need to realize, just because i feel a little good, does not mean i am good, a few more days.
sigh… green is not my colour.