This is from my best friend in the entire world. We’ve known each other since we were 10 years old and we’ve watched each other grow through and live with our demons, she with depression, me with BPD. We all need a beautiful friend that stands by you no matter what you throw at them knowing that inside you love them, and I do love her, tremendously and she knows that, through everything we go through.
I know you hurt. I am sorry.
I know that it is a long, painful battle to get back to a “normal”, happy place, with the threat of another fall ever present.
I don’t know what you feel, but I can empathize.
You know that the end of this life is not the end of the pain. You take everything with you, the love for those you have bonded with in this life and those that came before. The turmoil in your spirit goes with you until you can resolve it, “learn that lesson”. It won’t be BPD next time, it will be something else that torments you until you move past it by actively loosening the knots until they slip away or just hanging in there until the rope wears out. Either though reincarnation or whatever happens in the “afterlife” true unrest follows you until you can come to peace with it. This is just a really hard round for you.
Also, you must know that the idea that someone, anyone, can hold on to you, keep you safe, never leave you, is a fallacy. You can derive strength from others. Some people will be the constants in your life (I think I am one of those). But, support is more like the ocean, lots of drops of water working together to buoy us up, coming and going, it is a constant flow. If you can learn to take little bits from for lots of different sources you will have a sturdier base. But if you chase after a single drop you could drown.
I have no intention of leaving you. You are very important to me and I will give you all I can without sacrificing myself. I would be no good to you if I gave myself up. I hope you don’t feel you are in danger of loosing my friendship or that I am not giving you enough. You must feel that way sometimes. If you do, you are not going to hurt me or upset me with those feelings. Nor will they chase me off.
I wish I could help you feel better. Sometimes I worry I am going to say things that will cause you more pain or make things hard. I love you and don’t want to do anything that would be harmful to you, but I don’t know how to be anything but honest.
I wish work wasn’t overwhelming now. I would come up to be with you.
You are welcome to call me, I can work and talk. I will call you tonight on my way home.
Hugs, even with your thorns 😉