{June 12, 2012}   Stirred but not Shaken

Feeling stirred but not shaken.

I am definitely feeling better, the low is lifting but there is still a dollop of uncertainty running around inside of me, wondering where the next punch is coming from. the shadow of depression i can feel slide over me every so occasionally with a gentle tug to maybe see if i will let go. the too good to be true feeling, which i should use to my advantage and know that though I am functioning, any little bump means falling off the balance beam. i can’t get too cocky even if the fever has passed, the virus is still resident and its waiting for me to miss a grip.

anxiousness is rippling under the skin like a faint hum, not bothersome, just apprehensive. not sure why i am waiting and thinking something is going to blow down this house of cards, kick the one fragile supporting leg. my mental box is tightening back up, i have the ability to control back (thankfully) so I think i may come off the clonazepam tomorrow? actually i have my appointment tomorrow for re-assessment and i’ll let them make that call and the call on work.

yesterday i did work for the first time, it took an immense amount of concentration not to get up and walk away, if i put too much thought into work, something else would fail, not enough resources within me to go around yet. i came home today and managed to pour a bit more out but same thing, lawyers came back with something i had done wrong with a contract and my nervousness tripled. not quite ready for full time work, too fragile to concentrate that much energy on something outside of myself. i may go in tomorrow morning, test the water in the office, test out co-worker and then go to my doctor appointment and have them test me.

my personal issues, i dont know where they are, i still feel judged, or am judging myself as a bad person, and need to settle that inside of me. where things stand i am still unsure, i pretty much put it all out there which has my  vulnerability screaming in fear but i needed to let it be known that i was serious, committed and so vested into this. back to this eggs in a basket thing again, but isnt that what trust needs to be about. it goes both ways.



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et cetera
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