Pacing around the apartment like a caged tiger, and its not that i cant go out, i can, but then what? wander the mall, drive around in the rain, sit at my desk at work, it’s just yuck. i am a sun person, i am a tropical person 150% and after a while this gloom adds to my gloom, i become uber gloomy so i need more stimulus to get me up, which then is stupid things like going out, partying, drinking. i decided to take a bunch of Vitamin D today, they say it helps. SAD, seasonal affective disorder, like i need a new disorder. i should make new business cards. Vida Marie, BPD, SAD, PMS. 1-888-blah-BPD.
i trolled around the travel sights today, checked all my airline points, looked at the auctions, sales, pitches and UGH. im tempted to call our work travel agent and see if there are any of those cheap packaged trips available where you sit like cattle side by side sharing carbon dioxide breath while rubbing one another’s legs and arms inadvertently and constantly apologizing and being grossed out, then getting there and eating recycled all inclusive food for a few days while jockeying for lounge chairs by the pool. wow, my worst nightmare in technicolour 3D, but its sunny and i wont be here living with my frustrated tiger in this glooooooom.
if i had to explain it, even when the city is sunny, its still a city, you need a destination. go somewhere, plan something, as opposed to the freedom of just showing up at your local beach bar, marina pub, grocery store, and knowing everyone. open doors, not a big deal, you dont need to search for where you want to go, you can reach out and touch at anytime, everything flows, one into the other, and there’s no stress in that, it’s like being in one big home, not just your city space carved out for you in a high rise. im a sucker for everyone knows your name, small towns, supportive community, where you have your local everything, everyone’s a friend with not a lot of strangers. pipe dream for now, at least till the kids are a bit older, but as my psych and psych say, i need to get out every 3 months and suck some of it up and come back. well, i need a straw and a plane right now.
i needed to get that out, wish i was in Bangkok with my sister, eating. yes, she’s on holiday. my mum just got back from holiday. everyone’s on freaking holiday except the one that needs the holiday.