troubled sleep last night, dreamt about people constantly leaving, can we say abandonment? It was very weird, likely also triggered by my doctor appointment this afternoon. not sure why going to see them, both my psych and psych at times feels like going to my confession and executioner. dont get me wrong they are both fabulous, but spilling your psyche out is exhausting and probing and theres no Catholic screen to hid behind and quickly slip out.. its good to have someone know where to dig and explore but its very violating and, im sure you all know, embarrassing because some things we just dont mean to do and then have to own up to it. Guts on the couch, its messy, I have to wonder how they themselves clean up for the next person, kudos to mental health professionals.
My boss is on a warpath and is axing people that have pissed him off, not to make him sound shallow, there were some bad mistakes. he continually assures me that i am invaluable (if he only knew), and again today did same when i spoke with him. I have this fear that being episodic right at this time puts me smack into the middle of the telescope, like “hmmmmmm, she seems to just be lying on a island relaxing while we’re all down here in the submarine fighting off a terrorist attack”. Truth be told, i do a lot of work, sick or not, and he appreciates that location does not dictate my dedication, i have too much of a moral sense and fear of failure and conflict to let my work slip too much, actually if it did it would make my episodes worse because the guilt would compound that I was a horrible employee.
i tired to eat last night. its been over a week now of being unable to eat. it feels like im pregnant, though i ate like a pig on steroids when i was pregnant, but i hear its like this. the most i can seem to consume is liquids (alcoholic drinks seem to work very well) like tea and maybe a nibble of toast or something bland and mushy. its quite odd. last night i was convinced life was moving on, i had an entire bowl of cereal and then another (when i get excited about cereal the world is ending)… wow, bad mistake. all came up. what my body is saying to me is, fuck off, we dont want food, we know you’re a foodie and this is killing you, but piss off, my body, my choice. i thought it was my body too but hey… ok.
downside is, i feel all weak and mushy so yoga is not an option, 2 downward dogs and i would seriously be downwards on top of the damn dog. my girlfriend did a prayer meditation for me today, made me weepy, so sweet. sent me energy my way along with some light. i feel very stagnant, i need to get out to come back, like kick start, rejuvenate. im been sitting here with all of this surrounding me, swirling constantly, and i am getting them packed up one by one, but i would sure like to store them for a bit once i box them nicely, clear out of my space so i can some back and feel like i was able to leave it. im not making sense. claustrophobic, surrounded by negative energy, i need to draw from somewhere fresh, infuse myself with a different energy and time, come back with the guns holstered, if not left behind.
kids are out of school soon, thats going to be quite a daunting task… actually , lets not even talk about it…
well ladies and gents, i need to get back to work, seems we have some lawyerly crisis. will blog after my assessment today. Fingers crossed im halfway through this episode.