home from my watering hole. dont get me wrong im not a BPD that needs to drink and get drunk, interestingly i have the alcohol tolerance of a man. theres a bar below my office that i go to, its safe and sane and the bartender is always good about making sure i get my water intake. sadness is that, i dont want to go to the bar and sit there, on my own, but when my mania starts to come on, i cant come home, its akin to being in a prison. so, i need to find a safe place to let myself get the energy i need without being destructive. i, me, wants to come home, but i know that if i do i’ll be all out of sorts, feeling needy and clingy and not having anyone around to assuage that, so better o be somewhere where there is energy. i dont need to talk to anyone, i just need to absorb, which is what i did for 3 hours, and then whenever whatever it was inside of me felt somewhat satiated i made it come home.
i dont like it, i dont like having to meet the needs of someone else, someone else that is at the same time, me. fighting with myself for control to figure out what is BPD induced and what is not. my neediness is an awful burden, i just need so badly and have to force myself down, teach myself to find good in solitary. and honestly, in the last few years, i have found it, as long as my BPD is not too strong, i enjoy my solo company, its just a matter of staying in an even zone.
i dont mind the mania as much as the depressive episodes, i have far more control over the mania than i do the depressive, the depressive can drive me to suicidal tendencies, yet the mania, at the nth hour i can reel it in, i dont know why or how, but i can. not to say that it hasnt had its moments that i regret, but i have learned and the mind control or the training has had its positivity.
how i wish i could be free of this. it dictates my life trying to always be one step ahead of myself. i read one text wrong and i have to spend 15 minutes adjusting myself. hugh sent me an abrupt good bye today and it took me 20min to make it “normal”. i dont even think it was meant to be abrupt, just my mind had its own mission. imagine having to take an extra 15 minutes for every conversation or action to talk yourself through it, swallow the emotion, compose yourself and smile and then while doing that rationalize yourself into the right mindset. shit, it s a lot of work. yes im whining, i didnt want to be out tonight but i had to because i had no peeps free to be with me.
im just so mad and upset at what i have to do, normal people dont have to do this fucked up stuff, why does it have to be so much work? 50% of my life is spent trying to keep my life going. my finances are here to keep me going.
you know why i like smaller towns and communities, its because i can be out and be safe, that there is a net of caring, its not a random bar or place. you always know everyone and people take care of people. in a city, its strangers, theres no comfort, so i need to be even more vigil which tires me out. safe place, i want to move to my safe place as soon as i can. a city is not where someone with BPD should be continually, i need those breaks where i can just be.
i feel too many emotions coming through right now and disappointment, will update on my psych appt later.