good thing im going to the doctor today because my claustrophobia about being here is torturous right now. i need to have someone sort in my mind whether this is a BPD symptom of cut and flee or if i truly need a change of pace. ive been having friends call to go for lunch, yoga, meditation, etc but it all seems rather lacklustre and i dont feel like going into the “what have you been doing”, “why were you sick”, blah blah blah or put forth my happy joy joy energy which is on limited supply.
maybe its because ive run out of things to watch on my pvr and ive read far too many books and paced every corner of my apartment. ive even done all the laundry. emotional regulation, i need both sides, the up and the down and the up is feeling squished.
this is the issue with bpd, u go from up to down, side to side, back and forth till you get a handle. i need to run the gamut of dysregulation to regulate. so im popping up and down from the depression, needing stimulation, not getting any, going back down, feeling blue, coming back up and repeat, repeat, repeat, need to break it.
there are close by options, ski hill, wine country, but they are both still here, both still cold and gloomy. i looked into Vegas and figured that would be too much stimulation. California boring and too expensive. Mexico, maybe. Paris, I have a loft I could use, but ive already done Paris alone and its also cold. caribbean i am staying clear away from due to triggers and i want to give hugh peace of mind, whether he wants it or not.
maybe ill go buy a lottery ticket. one hour to go till shrinking time. tick tick tick…