{June 15, 2012}   calm before the storm

I have that calm before the storm, that eye of the hurricane, I feel so calm and all I want to do is take all the pills one by one and go to sleep, just let it take me away where it doesn’t hurt, where I don’t need to explain, where whether someone loves you or not is irrelevant and where u burden not a soul. Where I don’t ache like my body is cracking into a million pieces.

I just cried every last emotion out of my body and it still aches like knives cleaving through every cell and I don’t feel much left but to inflict more pain or take the pills and close my eyes. I am not sure I have the strength to go to emergency.

It just feels dead, dead pain, what is there to do but put on the happy face again tomorrow and hope that I can reach out and touch someone to stay sane for another day, try and not break. I know the hospital would be easiest someone to watch me, be with me, talk to me till this is through. But going this alone, now, today, yesterday, tomorrow, trying to drown out the need to ask for help is making me want to give up, right here, right now, take the pills, close my, eyes, say good night.

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et cetera
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