{June 15, 2012}   Please Please

Hurts again tonight. Trying to sit still and breathe out the pain but it’s not and heavy in my chests the tears wanting to spill out. Feel like a cyclone of nothingness around me and no where to go, no where to hide. I want to reach out and ask for help but I can’t. My walls are caving in and I’m getting worse everyday and I can’t feel the end of the despair and loneliness yet. I don’t want to be needy so I keep pretending it’s ok when I want to scream for people to come over and take me out of my head. The tears have started and I don’t want to be here, this gut wrenching hurt of nothingness inside of me. I don’t want to drive people away with this, I don’t want it to be misconstrued as insecurity and neediness but that it what it comes out like. I need out of this cage, I need something, I don’t know what it is but it hurts so so so much and it’s so alone right now. I don’t know where to go, I don’t want to go alone, but if I stay here I’m going to hurt myself. I already cut 2 nights ago and it felt so good to get it out. I know I shouldn’t do it again but it would make this feeling leave me.

I wish I could cry onto the paper so someone could feel the emptiness. How many more days of this, I don’t know how strong I can be, everyone wants me to be strong, like I can kick this over.
I want to be so out of here right now, my apartment solitude is a stranglehold of my tears and silence.

I don’t want to cut. I don’t want to cut on tonight. I need to go out. I need something.

Throw a sock at the wall! Or take a hot bath! I took a bath last night my legs felt calm and cozy for the whole night 🙂

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et cetera
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