Sorry to have just disappeared leaving no idea of what happened to me. it wasn’t good but the fact that I am writing is good. I didnt have enough support last week and it really drove me down into that place we never want to go, sitting and staring at the pills, with that deep freeze and cold focus over coming you, where you’re not sure if you are really you, the world is stopped in time, the quiet loud and the din around you fading. when cutting fails is when it truly is bad, and watching the coloured pills spill onto the bed, was like magic jelly beans to a softer place. but the mind is strong and i did waver many times, thoughts of going to emergency, thoughts of answering the phone that kept ringing, thoughts of calling someone, but the inertia was set in. the energy to go to emerg, putting people out to call 911, what to say when you answer the phone. reaching out seems so much simpler than it really is, because i have too much guilt of making people feel bad, of making them help me, of thinking i am charity.
my friend did finally break through my threatening to call the police which triggered my fear of making a spectacle. i spend all this time being happy for people so i am not a spectacle so they dont need to worry and be embarrassed.
i did manage to down a few but nothing harmful before help came. that internal torture, how does one ever describe the racking pain and confusion, the manic need to get out of oneself, huddled in a corner crying for it to go away, pleading with it to go away, heaving through the misery. to the point where all you can do is anything to escape.
i feel better now, i know im not through the fire, ive had people with me since, but i know they all think that since i seem “normal” again today im good. i dont know how to say, im only stable because you are here, and yes, it is making me better, but 2 days of antibiotics does not cure the virus, it will return if you stop the medication, and the medication is people. i am panicked about being alone tomorrow, about making it through the day, about tackling life, about failing at life, but as much as i want to ask for a hand hold, i can’t, everyone WANTS me to be better, every grasp they have that i seem OK elicits a palpable relief i can feel, so how do i explain i need more, i just hate to disappoint, they want me happy. i can already feel the creep of wanting to go find a bar after work to drown in the noise as opposed to come home, because after a day of tackling work and life, my mental state is drained and i have nothing at home to prop me up.
i am getting better, i just have so many decisions and responsibilities its hard to take the mental energy inwards while trying to balance life which is slowing the process down. i need a pause on life for a little while to fight this. but even taking a pause is causing me angst, i want to go away, but i worry about prior commitments, i worry about work, i worry about money, that i spin in a circle i cannot escape and then the walls come in closer and closer. how do i get away to be better without some part of life crumbling, what do i sacrifice that will not come back to bite me. the answer is, nothing, there is no right path, no right way, no shining light, something has to give and the pressure of holding it all is the reason i am chained to this episode, i dont know how to come out, i do, but not without consequence.
thanks for being there, please know i am trying but its slow, so slow, help me find that pause button.