you know those days where no matter what you do you can’t get it right. you have best intentions but they don’t fit with anyone else’s thoughts. its been like this for a couple of days and i have a lump in my throat that burns and wants to explode into tears because i keep getting it all wrong at every turn.
im on a mini break, hugh was really nice to let me come on a trip he had pre-planned, and as much as possible i have been trying to be non intrusive and not be a reason for him to change how he would normally have been sans me, meaning stay out-of-the-way, let him interact like he normally would without having to lug me around or leave because of me. needless to say i have been doing a poor job and the guilt is nibbling up right behind the knot in my throat.
last night we were out with his friends, which seemed like a normal event for him, out with the boys. I had, unfortunately, gotten stung by a scorpion that day and was trying hard to not make a big deal of it, trust me it hurt badly, but I didn’t want to interrupt the flow. as the night wore on i was starting to feel it, i was tired, my anxiety was very odd, i almost felt like throwing up, i actually tried twice to no avail. i felt like if i told Hugh he would get worried and want to come back with me, and last thing i wanted to do was disrupt his fun, so when he left for a moment i excused myself to run back to where we were staying, letting the peeps we were with to tell him i was tired and wanted to go to bed (never trust drunk men to relay a message).
of course, i just made things all worse, and the fact that he is now mad at me has my stomach in knots, and he’s not someone to talk to when he’s mad, the displeasure is very clear, sort of everything i wanted to avoid. not to mention that same day, i was told i was bossy and did not take direction well while trying to help, ouch, and that my behaviour was similar to my nemesis at work, which made me feel even more like shit that night, am i that bad a person because I despise that man, so that makes me an awful person too?
so now i am trying to sort out all these feelings and decide how best to categorize them because my guilt is eating me up from the inside and the tears are constantly on the verge when i think of all my mistakes. i think maybe best to just stay out-of-the-way more and try to not be so overt, just help if im asked, tamp down my opinions, and take me down a few notches and be in the background. Now i need to focus on swallowing this horrible feeling of disappointment in myself, i just want to go find a place to hide and just give him some space, i am sure the constant reminder of me must be sickening and being stuck w me 24/7.
my BPD wants me to crawl into bed and hide or just disappear into a hotel for a night so i don’t have to see the reminder of my flaws. trust me looking at hugh makes me feel smaller than a roach, worse than the scorpion that bit me. im trying to get a grip and counsel myself into this is not a big deal and i am over reacting, but try to tell that to my stomach and chest that’s ready to explode and the lump and hot tears wanting me to crack. maybe i should go for a walk and stay out-of-the-way for the day and hope that when night comes i can function better.
so much work to do today and its a struggle now. feeling bad because i have to deliver two severance letters and deal with the paperwork. hate doing things that make people feel bad and 2 more just landed on my lap on top of everything else. would like to just go lie by the pool but that seems a nice thing to do when i should be self flagellation instead.
i took an anti anxiety last night, need to check the bottle and see if i can take one more today and bump up my buproprion to counter act the sadness.
other than all this, it s beautiful and amazing here, i love it, and i wouldn’t be back home for anything right now. See, a positive thought. 🙂