Feeling a bit sick to my stomach for having lied to my boss about why I have been sick for the last 4 weeks. There was not much I could do because he asked me point blank. I tried to keep it at half truths, I was sick, I was in bed and could not get up, I did need treatment and I did leave the country. The untruths were that I made it seem like an infection that got worse and the reason I have a bandage on my arm is because of tests (not cutting) and I did leave the country for recuperation, just not in the place I said… well I did transit through there.
Lies are never good, they come back to bite you in the ass, you can’t even get caught out on the truth. For a millisecond there I thought about telling him the truth but there are some people that can get the BPD thing (and its few and far between) but I don’t think my Russian boss is the type. They are sort of the grin and bear it, wtf is a mental illness?
My conscience has been ripe with this since yesterday and I am convinced he knows I am lying, I realize this is my overactive BPD obsessing. We also had a talk about the state of the company, which is stable but there were so many layoffs and he sort of tossed out giving people salary decreases in there, not to me specifically, but if that happened, I would need to get another job, I am not meeting the bills with this job as it is! Checked my credit card and though I am not spending much it is creeping up because just my basic basic expenses already tap out my salary.
Saw a job advertised in the Caribbean that would be ideal for me, working at a resort down there I know well, likely double the pay, but I cant take it because I need to have a low stress job, that doesn’t take too much brain power on my part, but stimulating enough to keep me interested, blah blah blah. When I get so into debt that I stress out then what are the docs going to say, I just followed their instructions.
I spent the whole evening out last night just so I would not think about any of this, it worked, got home at 9:30-ish, read a magazine and went to bed, ready to start the hamster wheel again. Luckily we have beautiful weather so being out is quite pleasant. Ending on positive note 🙂