Dark and stormy gave way to light and sunny. Since returning from holidays, I can only describe myself as chipper, which is not a term I ascribe myself very often. Taking the break and getting away from the city and the dark hole I had been in gave me the space to stop, slow down, and enjoy being with me sans the constant morass of triggers constantly colliding for my attention. It was quite the black hole of despair that had me tenuously wondering if I could continue on my path to be here for the kids, but what leaving showed me, is that I do need to heed the maintenance call of stepping out to trigger silence every 3 months.
It helps that I am feeling healthy, had to shed about 3-4lbs after coming back and no longer have little squidgy bits hanging over my jeans. Not being in shape really bugs me and I know its also tied in with BPD, that if I don’t feel good about myself it can turn the whole day upside down. Yoga has been consistent, hard, but consistent. My sister has been trying to come regularly which is nice 🙂
Trying to hook up with my friendlies and stay attached, so hard in this city, but actively working on it. Sometimes it seems like too much work, trying to align schedules, places, times, sheesh. So much easier if you could just walk next door to interact. I’m trying to not lean too much on Hugh, but his idea of too much and mine are drastically different, lol, so I need to put my own foot down on myself to reach out to other people so he doesn’t push me back and trigger some silly recation. I have this week’s outreach squared away, need to start planning for next!
I do have some thoughts on going forward because we know this ocean is not always calm, the ripples, waves and tsunamis come with the changes in wind and tide.
I am in a happy place with Hugh, I’m happy, but there is a teeny niggling thought that pokes at me every so often on his mindset. I know dating me is like handling a ticking bomb, not quite stable, not quite sure what the mind is up to, not that easy to grasp. I do come with a trove of happy, happy, joy, joy too, not a bad person, I’m a good one and I know he sees that through the BPD there is a person of worth. He says events of the past have unsettled his trust and I get that, completely, there is ground to make up, but that’s not what niggles. The niggling is commitment, I see Hugh with one foot out the door at any provocation and it scares me because I don’t have a place of security to work forward from if I think he would cut his losses at any point.
My last talk with Valerie (my psychologist) was to commit to working through this with her, single sided couples counselling, or maybe it is 2 of us, me and ms. bpd. My psychiatrist too seems to think I am at a place where longevity is possible. Do I trust them, or do I trust me? Can I work that much harder? It’s a leap for me to think a relationship can last, the last person I saw a future with was my ex husband. Truthfully, even divorced we have done a good job of still sustaining a relationship so there’s hope for me yet. I think starting the DBT training will be a help too, give me more tools to manage the rejection, abandonment and black and white thinking, especially the black and white which makes me turn emotions so quickly I can’t stop the shut off. The tool is to not let it get to the stage where I cannot turn around where the switch goes black and I abandon. It may help for me to log back in time all my signs, I won’t do it here and bore you, but it would be an aid for myself, self check.
So thats one possible wave in my life, the other is work. It’s not an issue yet but my concentration is waning, I’ve been having to focus very hard to stay engaged at work, part of it has been a lack of work and the other finding satisfaction in what I am doing. I think my black white switch is hovering in this area, and I worry I may self sabotage at work if I don’t buckle it in. There have been so many changes in this arena, its scattered like the wind and the steps forward are plodding and my head keeps wanting me to go back to my old working lifestyle with far more creativity and passion. Trying to bring this into my BPD I know I’m having some sensitivity to rejection, there have been many layoffs and I’m edgy, my splitting is coming into play too, feeling valued and then devalued as the stress rises and falls. I’m hiding secrets about my health, which I have done before but my best job was the one job I was able to be open with them, which gave me the latitude to let them know when i was capable and when I was not. Sometimes I just can’t think, and other times I think at lightening speed.
Living here. The hardest of them all for finances and quality of life, my little hamster cage. This one can be solved by just ensuring I leave on a regular basis for a week to 10 days every 3 months per the powers that manage my life. Then it can be readily unsolved by the fact that I am running on a steadily increasing debt load, not quickly increasing but I am carrying on my credit card and depending on the month it ticks up. For the most part its within a band but its definitely not going away without the lottery!
My boss just gave me a brain dump and what seems to me too many things for my position so need to go wrap my head around this. I went from not enough work to pondering if I should be doing this work and the pressure it’s now putting on me… more later.