{July 18, 2012}   And now I am 3

Cutting my skin off

My skin is on fire, tingling away from me, hairs raised and senses on high while inside my heart is in my throat, lodged, impeding my swallows to the dryness of my chest. Anxiety and mania, at times they do the dance together, linking arms in a gentle waltz. Outside needs the noise, the pounding club beat and incessant visual, inside wants to curl into child’s pose and get warm.

And yet, I’m happy, to add to the paradox. Today we present 3 of me, head, heart and skin. I got lots of sleep, feeling rested and strengthened, heart is tremulous, externally wants to fly. We really can’t split orĀ disassociate into 3. Head really needs to work, wanting to peel my skin off simultaneously makes all uncomfortable. I could potentially throw up too.

Going to try breathing and a tick of pain, serious just a tick, maybe clenched fists just to se if I can work the edge off because I REALLY need to work and want to work but I’m getting in my way. Sucks to do the right thing because just a small stab would likely do the trick but no cutting, i’m on the no cutting bandwagon and withdrawal sucks when I havent figured out coping tools.

Luckily am still cheery. Breathing, holding my keys tight, FOCUS. Today on my scale of 1-10, I am a 5. Is that failing in a cheerful way? Cue cheerleaders.

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et cetera
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