The good and the bad.
The good thing is I am still in a good mood, the bad is I am going into my 2 weeks of PMS. This time period really wreaks havoc on my ability to manage my BPD because I have to try real hard to discern what is being caused by my PMS. I get very internally emotional at this time and needy, because it exacerbates my need to be with people and want closeness. It also makes me irrational and I have to catch myself before I let it out. Hard to explain having to stop and second guess yourself and then talk yourself through while trying to do this in conversation with people, the emotions are running faster than i can think and hold on to, while the world outside is going at its normal pace, trying to bring them into alignment is near impossible, so I just try and do the best I can and hope the moments that do slip and get out of control are mild.
The fact that we are in summer re-runs is also a bad thing, I get home and there’s nothing to really keep my mind occupied, ive run out of PVR shows to watch so gives my mini mania some free reign to want to get out without having enough stimulation at home. Ive been a little clingy as a result, though I have been trying to stay engaged with friends its not filling that hole of empty. This will turn into a trigger because I can feel it and articulate it which means that its present and I need to deal with it. Im scrambling somewhat this weekend because i have no plan and its looking like its going to slip away without my taking some breaths before work starts on Monday, which is making me anxious. I want something but I dont know what it is, something inside of me is yearning, that empty spot is widening but I cant pinpoint what i need to fill it with, grab hold.
mantra: i need to stay vigilant and aware these next 2 weeks, this could be the fall my psych was talking about after coming back