{July 21, 2012}   Angels (trigger warning)

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Do you believe in angels? I want one right now, to descend upon me, cradle me, wipe the tears, soothe and make me know that through it all she will be there. Hold me tight and stroke the demons away. And I can relax, truly relax, knowing that a guardian is with me, that I can be safe, with a guardian to lock the doors and man the fort. Give me the will to breathe, to cry, to bring all that is weak to the front with no embarrassment or insecurity of judgement. To stay through the end and ensure the world would not come to my door till the strength within me rose again.

When you die, or come close to dying, as I have, your physical body goes through such pain, I remember screaming at the paramedics that my body felt it was on fire, that things were creeping through my legs, unbearably so, I yelled and begged for relief, but it seemed no one could see, hear or understand, and later i wondered was I even speaking aloud. Then comes the peace, like a blanket enveloping slowly, till I am cocooned and the tension drains and what may be heaven settles like a smile over my body. Hallucinations, people that I loved came and went, which seemed real, like I could reach out and touch, I believed there were there, with me, palpably so, then they would dissipate and I would be talking to thin air in my delerium. I know there is peace in the afterlife, in being born again, I’ve made it halfway there and each time, there has been no horror, just comfort and relief, all the aches and pains, the dragons, the Amanda’s, they go away, because I’ve brought them home.

Do you believe in angels?

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et cetera
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