I got cut off on my last post, I can’t seem to talk this morning, sure that if I speak a word to someone I’ll break and lose that last bit of self control and humanity. I don’t know what is right or wrong because I crossed the line too far to understand what I should do, reach out for something I cannot quantify or internalize and make sure I win. I need to get through 2 weeks and what a week to come, the weekend is in disarray, I made no plans so I’ve given Amanda free reign to me my best mate for the weekend. I’ll start the week next week mad that I let it happen and spend it fighting to get to the next weekend spinning everyday for a hand hold that I’m not willing to reach out and find.
So, essentially, again, this is my fault, my inability to say, I need you, please be with me. Because I can’t, it’s a flaw, it’s a fear or rejection, it’s weakness, it makes me feel pathetic and I can’t do it. I put little feelers out and if anything sounds like I might be troubling someone I smile and bubble through like the world is, of course, fine. This is Vida, I’m meant to be strong, smart, together, entertaining, I don’t know how to take that mask off to vulnerability. Vulnerability is just as she is vulnerable, and one wrong word, look, and I will lose her and me. So I fight this alone, because I can control me, or work as hard as I can to, I can’t control anyone on the outside, and they can hurt me unbeknownst and my guilt would expand exponentially.
I’ve turned everything off, Skype, phone, text, Facebook, twitter, here’s the line, I don’t know if I can communicate. That dragon, he’s there, and today, he is stronger than I am, and I have 4 hours to find the strength to haul him back with no cracks, make it through the night with my mask and then collapse and have the breakdown I severely want and need. I just, just, just cannot do it now, even if I cry as I write this, I need to keep it strong, I need to make it, for myself, I need to make it.
Tears, if only they could wash everything away.