{July 21, 2012}   Woke up clenche…

Woke up clenched with anxiety this morning kept my eyes closed hoping I would fall asleep again and the nerves racing through my skin like razor blades would subside and be a dream.Tension holding my muscles hostage in a shackled grip of discomfort. Still, even hours of looking for distraction, I can feel the foreign energy thrumming under my skin, pulsating with its own foreign energy. 

I tossed, turned, hid, curled, with brief respites when I was able to distract enough to focus, which were YouTube videos after YouTube videos. Theres a dragon inside, twisting, furling bristling in my chest, angry in his own right that I won’t let him free, pulling back on the chains, exhaustingI myself and feeding his fire. 

Each time I opened my mouth yesterday it was a lie, a smile, a bubble of how fine I was, biting the plume of fire back before it flamed out with all my frantic needs. I can feel it snake up my neck, with me twisting and turning to find comfort in my shoulders and neck! The strain of control making me feel beat, while I try and stay upbeat. 

Im going to work an event tonight, every fibre wants me to bail, but quitting seems worse and managing the beast all day with no distraction would just lead me to hide in bed listening to deadening noise on my laptop for company. One is lamer than the other so best to just push this through and hope the fever breaks. 

This comes full circle to explaining, I can’t explain into words the discomfort and what I need. How do I explain the tears because I’m reaching hard for something that I can’tquantify. That my PMS is feeding coke to an addiction that barely stays in grip, and when like this I’m so strung tight, I just want love. 

Yet I feel so alone being 75% in my mind and only 25% outside of me that i am disjointed and unable to focus on people that I create more agitation within myself because I want to be normal, not poised tense on my seat, sitting on my hands, hoping the franticness doesn’t show but wishing wishing whoever it is will do or say what I need so I can relax. I know they can’t mind read, but neither can the words come out of my mouth. 


So I lie here now, imagining digging my claws int the centre of my chest and tearing it open, pressure, evil, fire, bleed and flly out, give me some respite I beg of you. Just fuck off and give me a break. 


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et cetera
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