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{August 22, 2012}   Safety in Disassociation

This is a great excerpt I took off a post by Beyond the Borderline.

What she described to me was an instance of pretty intense dissociation. She was beyond the point of even crying. Her body and brain just shut down. She could walk and talk, but there were no more feelings. She moved to a place beyond her ability to feel emotion. Blank. Nothingness. There’s a reason for these defense mechanisms and sometimes I do think they’re a blessing. Especially since it only lasted that day and she was able to escape it. Imagine being under so much stress that your mind takes over and lets you have no say in how it functions and is able to interact with the world. It’s a really bizarre feeling.

Not all BPD persons experience disassociation and it is a very peculiar and out of control feeling when your mind and body shut down and you are a spectator watching yourself go through motions you neither care nor not care about. I liken it to watching a movie of yourself you have no control to stop, pause, rewind, just watch like a big screen movie.

For me, it only happens under extreme extreme duress and only a few times in the last 15 years. Once I had rented my vacation house out to a couple about to be married and she called screaming that he was trying to kill her. After the police, the hospital, the stress, the exhaustion, the sheer overwhelm off all I was doing hit, I blanked into zombie mode and eventually friends had to sedate me and put me to bed. The other couple of times have been with ex boyfriends, one was abusive and the other the emotional pressure was a catalyst. Thankfully, nothing has caused me great harm and perhaps the disassociation has saved me from hitting the edge and causing more harm in the situation.

 

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