My insides are burning and I can barely gasp for breathe, my chest hurts and the air is searing through my lungs, breathing so hard I want to pass out. I have to swallow all the judgement to make it go away, I feel like my father is standing over me again finding every fault and flaw he can to beat me down, to show me I can never be good enough, that no matter what I do its wrong. I want to scream, claw and cry the pain out, even when I havent done anything wrong somehow I am wrong. I cant seem to get past the legacy of never feeling like I can do anything right. I don’t know why I try, no one notices when I try, they only notice what they judge is wrong. I have been working so hard, so fucking hard that my head hurts everyday from the sheer volume of exertion to get better. But no one sees it, all they see is bad, always bad.
I cant let other people’s judgments take me down, I need to hold on to what I know is right, I cannot hold it inside of me, I cannot internalize the pain, I cannot hurt myself based on other people’s opinions, I need to fight this off, I will not cut, I didn’t do anything bad. I am not bad. I AM NOT BAD.
I can feel those dark hands coming up against my throat, winding around me, roots pulling me down, please stop, I can’t go there. I will not sink, I will not let words hurt me, my intentions were not calculated, no matter how twisted into ugly people want to view me, there was nothing but me, standing there, naked, open to flagellation. So, I’m beaten and now I have to beat the darkness that I let in, to get up off the floor, to stop these cries, to stop claws, to stop the tears on my words as I write. Find the breath. Find the soothing. Do not cut, you are not ugly, there is nothing to cut.
I need to sedate and work through what we learned in class today. Today I told the class I had BPD, today I talked about cutting. Today has been a big emotional day. I knew what was going to be thrown down on me, I knew it would be negative, and I need to remember that all I can do is listen, I cannot change people’s impressions of me, everyone is entitled to an opinion and if I internalize every negative I will hurt myself. DBT says I need to hold onto me, know me. If I know who I am it shouldn’t matter what people say, Amanda will not be allowed to come to play. Fuck you Amanda, you can’t use those words because they are untrue. Opinions. Opinions are not truths.
I am going to hold some ice.