I don’t talk to Hugh about my BPD anymore. I am doing this because he feels it is his responsibility to carry and then when push comes to shove it becomes a burden that he says adds to his stress. Since he told me that, I have stopped sharing, I don’t want to become an excuse or a reason to come back at me later. So I say I am OK all the time and I dont share the nitty gritty of group, the days I curl up in a ball and howl or when I’m hurting down to my toes (he doesn’t seem to queue into my triggers). He also is very cold when he wants to be, which makes me uncertain he will be there, when he wants to close me out, he does so very effectively not realizing how crippling it is to my mental state. He wants to punish me, though he will never own up to that, by making an example of my “bad” behaviour, so much like my father. I couldn’t close him out, I would miss him and feel terrible which makes my insecurity on how vested is he in this if he can tune me out so easily.
Hugh thinks the world revolves around me but his world is his and if you ripple it, you get a spear in your gullet, hard, shoot to kill. I’m worried any weakness of BPD I give will fuel the ammunition when he does pull back to hurl the spear. My world is full of ripples, it would be a tsunami that would kill me if I paid heed to all of them.
So, is it bad I don’t talk to the person I am dating about my BPD? He doesn’t understand it, he judges what I do at face value, based on his parameters. As you can imagine, I cannot live up to that, I can barely make day to day of my own parameters. He can’t see sick and I can’t hold that against him. Of course would he be so hard on me if I had down syndrome or was autistically disabled. People on BPD can go on disability for a reason, we’re fuckin disabled! I digress, I don’t blame him for not understanding, which is why I think it better to not share, it would cause more upset and more frustration on his part that I can’t be normal and my BPD is just being whiny.
What do you think? What do you do with your partner or ex partners? What has your experience been with understanding? It sounds so awful when I write this but he really is a good man, he just can’t wrap around mental health disability.