borderlinegirlliveshere











{August 31, 2012}   Are you Embarrassed of Me?

I think Hugh is embarrassed of me. This could be paranoia on my part but there is a part of me that believes he’s uncomfortable letting people he knows or we know that we are dating. If he does anything with friends it is without me, I can understand solo time with your friends, but all the time and them not knowing you are dating someone after almost 10 months of off and on dating? If I invite him to do anything with my friends or family, I already know its an assured no, or more so , a question on why? why cant i see them alone, why dont i enjoy them without him? why dont i go have fun he can take care of himself? maybe im proud of him? maybe i want to share? what  a concept…

Somehow, i feel guilty for even asking him and feeling inadequate for asking. now if this happened once in a while, ok, but all the time, leads me to think, hugh doesn’t want to be seen in public together or be associated with anyone, or is it just me he doesn’t want to be associated with.

yes, he is private, very private, just getting him to tell me about his day seems like an invasion of privacy. don’t normal people do that, share? thats always been my history, you want to share with someone you are close to.

its an outside looking in perpective, like im asking for permission and tentatively working around  the stainless steel door in case it falls over and smashes me into the ground without a second thought, because i dont exist in that world.

so is he embarrassed of me? he’s amazingly loving and caring when we are together, as long as we are alone or with strangers. he would never think to invite me to something he’s been invited to (party, dinner, get together), normally i have to invite myself which is beginning to make me feel pathetic, for pete’s sake if he wants me there he’s invite me, as opposed to my being the sad case that has to invite myself and twist his arm and then spend the whole time thinking im a dead weight.

i remember before we started dating he’d bring dates to joint events we would see each other at, i wonder if he still does that, with other women not me. i dont think he’s sexual with them, he’d just rather bring someone else other than me who he isn’t dating.

the other reason i can think he’s not proud of me is that ive dated 2 of his other friends which makes him seem like he’s got the cast off girl, embarrassing to admit  that he’s somehow dating me too, that in boy world, like im sloppy seconds or thirds. wow, that makes me feel terrific. didn’t we go steady withpeople in high school and university that your friends or acquaintances had dated?

this is me the pariah, hide me in the shadows and only bring me out with the crappy friends we have in common who’s opinions we dont give a shit about.

i have low self esteem, i know i do, I just push hard to hide it and put that face forward that makes everyone see confidence, where inside i pray and hope no one calls me on it. I guess this just reinforces that never quite good enough feeling.

yesterday i was at a work event for a wedding consult and i felt like the plainest, ugliest, shortest chubbiest woman there amongst all the women. if i could have been a dull wallflower i would have blended in perfect. my insecurity was at an all time high and without work to focus on it would have been tragic.

 

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