borderlinegirlliveshere











{October 19, 2012}   Judged and Damned

BPD relationships or at least my relationship reminds me of the scales of justice, with weight tipping from one side to another and the challenge is to keep it level or be judged and damned, gavel to the head.

It is so easy to tip too far in one direction, which for me is wanting and needing to spend time with him excluding everything else. The issue is, when the scale tips too far over I am overwhelmed with my own emotion and feel like I am losing myself. I have a little voice that tells me to divide my time, stay home, do something for myself, pace myself but the lure of closeness is a drug, I fear if I don’t get as much as I can he will go away or worse yet, find something better. Sometimes it is as base as I am swept by the tide and I cannot swim against it so when I finally hit shore, I am exhausted.

What my head doesn’t always realize is we (head and I) need space and we need to trust that just because he is out of sight does not mean I am out of his mind, and find the trust to function with faith he will be there the next hour, the next day and not be done with me. Easier said then done because I love the time but the more time I spend the more attuned I get to little ticks and sensitivities, and my emotions get heightened where the tiniest bit of an argument, disagreement, or even a look will pop the balloon.

Popping the balloon is not a good place, it weeps of instability, fragility and an open sore of vulnerability. Once popped, it’s just a pain trying t get it back together again, everything is a lip quivering, heart thudding, anxiety that is tremulous to control and takes days to right.

So I speak from experience as this is what happened to me this week. Overdose and now facing the withdrawal symptoms while simultaneously wondering if he thinks I am a psychotic mess to be breaking down at the drop of a pin (straight into my balloon).

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confessionsofbpd says:

Oh my god! I am struggling with this too. Except once I pop I feel guilty for my outburst and like he’s going to leave me because I pushed too far. Then I pull away, hoping he will come towards me. He doesn’t, he gives me space. I interpret this space as him losing interest which makes me disappear for a bit because I feel like it’s hopeless and like I’ve ruined another relationship. Eventually I make my way back to him and he says that he thought it was me who lost interest. Then I feel guilt and like I have to show him how invested I am, and over and over again. Ugh.



Yes exactly, I feel the same, my guilt comes over me too and I hate it when he gives me space but I know I need space. Then I think he wants to leave because I am too much work 😦
It is getting better for me, I have explained to him that I need what I call “the touch and feel”, more contact than most, even if its a text every few hours, a check in.



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Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

confessionsofbpd

The secret life of high-functioning borderline personality disorder.

Bi-polar parenting

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