Sleep has been scarce the last few days. My mind is a racquetball court with 20 balls simultaneously ricocheting at full speed. I cannot turn it off even with all my tools to focus on breath, to let them pass through, to imagine them floating away, they come fast and furious and varied in their focus from the mundane to the troubled.
Trazadone is my go-to sleep aid, been on this pill for 8 years to sleep at night. When I am in an episode I will need a Trazadone and a Clonazepam to ease me down and out. No pill=no sleep for me, and though some may say it is psychosomatic, I have more than proven it is not, my mind is too full of voices, thoughts, guilts, tangents to ever let me rest.
Breathe I say to myself concentrate on the breath, but the thoughts are like hounds at bay, pushing up against my invisible barrier for any moment that I lapse to sneak in, time and time again, its exhausting. I’m exhausted from last night, arranging and re-arranging myself to get comfortable knowing full well its inside that needs to get comfortable not the outside.
Trazadone normally works great but like the last few nights it just cannot stand up to my BPD.