{January 6, 2014}   Running to Survive

i can’t breathe, I physically feel like I cannot breathe, that the air has been sucked out of my lungs leaving a tinny hollow remnant of me thats struggling to breathe. I want to strike rivulets of cuts down my arm, just to feel pain instead of this thumping, gnawing clawing inside of me. Slash and keep slashing till it’s gone, all gone and all that is left is blood and peace, wet, messy and so so calm. 

Im locked in a battle I am not sure who’s fighting, am I part of the fight? Logic versus emotion versus me?I see flashes of normalcy, like riding a bike, its automatic, typing on this computer, working and then I feel hate, hate that I am back here, pretending this normalcy because I am screaming inside, that I hate myself for being here. So I take another go, close my eyes, shove the pain down a bit lower into my stomach, do something inane and emotion says to me, you’re an idiot, you’re hating every minute of this, logic says this is what I should do. Should do for who?? Me? Is this where I come in? 

What do I want? Do I even count in this game, surely we all know I am not in control of this mind. Me just wants it all wiped away, blank, happy, just all of you, go away, let me pretend the world does not exist since you wouldn’t let me die. You’re forcing me to live life, by putting me back in reality, i have to be reality and reality is pain, it’s pain each step of going forward into a life I don’t want, making someone sky dive who’s scared of heights, who’s screaming to be let go but forced forward. You’ll be fine when you get through it, yes, physically I will be fine, mentally, you’re hurting me.

The phantoms pass in and out of my body, I can feel them, sense them come and go. The discomfort in my skin, the curling of my toes, the clenching of my fists and my urge to hit out to make it leave. People think being possessed is a joke, a drama for TV, a little blood curdling screaming, exorcised with holy water and an insane priest wielding a cross. Maybe this is why they started to do that, if I lived that long ago I’d be considered possessed and now be chained to a bed watching spittle come through some holy man’s mouth onto me skin. 

It feels like being pulled in 4 directions, life that is you, emotion mind, logical mind, and then me. my head splinters with cacophony from all sides, a conference call of hate with no moderator. logic mind takes a step forward to be unhinged by emotion then crippled by me and forced on by you, and repeat and repeat and repeat. I am breaking, into tiny pieces of wholly separate parts, none wanting to go in the same direction… yes there is one direction we can all agree upon, if we sleep forever, we will all be silenced and we will no longer wound, harm, hurt, fight and struggle to survive.

How do you convey this, the rest of the world seems so trivial when the answer is being held forward on a golden platter. Die and it will all end, you’ll be happy.

Here I sit, making decisions on what to eat, how to work, what to pay, who to see, who to make happy that I’m not dead  and I want to say FUCK OFF, how trivial is this shit, do you think I took death lightly and now I’m washing dishes and folding clothes?

WHY? People keep asking how I’m feeling, I feel the above, I feel like Ive been mortally maimed to the point of death and not allowed to die. Placing bandages on the wounds, some moments it feels ok, other moments euthanize me, sometimes maybe I can live. 

Back to my hamster wheel of non existence. Keep running dear, we know you’re tired but keep running, we like watching you in your cage. I should be happy I am alive, I get treats, food, affection and then I go back to running, keep running to survive.



I send a lot of safe hugs!

Thank you, its appreciated

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et cetera
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