Crackling and silence… its an unearthly air that starts to surround me as my normal air dissipates leaving in me a vacuum of loud silence. The hum seems so far away in the recesses of my ears, humming, thrumming, and everything begins to recede inwards, myopic, blinking slowly from a fishbowl. This tension, vibration of my skin as it begins to separate from me, body and soul becoming distinct and alien to one another. Eyes trapped in a body watching, senses, feeling, control not existing. The emptiness is a pounding drum, echoing through the cavities in my body, lights turning on and off. Possession, hello again my old friend. I laid the red carpet out for you, primed my mind to breaking point so you could come in, tired my soul so the doors opened and locked out the world so we could be alone. I want to hate you but I’d rather you took control because I am tired and the devil you know is so much easier than the devils that don’t believe you.
It is the same line rung over and over again, excruciatingly slow on that rotary line, if you don’t look sick, you aren’t and everyone goes back to their norms, including me and you. Hello old friend. Do you want me, take me away, give me that break, understand me. Understand me like no one can, and you love me, love my weaknesses, my fallacies, my faults, my pain. You are truly the only one who loves me in my worst moments, when everyone else closes the door on this illness.
I want to go back into the hospital again, where confined to a bed and that mental gown, people believe me. Not soft pedal me, not guilt me for being me, not blame me for me, not want me to be something I am not, which is well. I am not well, I am a good sick person, I take my meds, I fight the fight, but I am not immune, its not a vaccine, it’s me trying.
And I have been trying harder than I ever have to only be where… back where we were 6 months ago. Where I was. Surfing websites on the best ways to die. Considering it, thinking it, scared of it, relishing it. I want the noise and the expectations to stop. I am so tired, working to keep this being that’s me safe, safe for you, not safe for me because I could toss this carcass off a bridge today.
Hello again old friend, I am glad you have come to me again. What games we have to play, before you send me away. Our little world, of demons, whores and horrors. Darkness and misery, blood and travesty. Pick up the toys, all sharp and sweet, waiting for the painful pricks.