{September 29, 2014}   How much clearer do I need to be?

How much clearer do I need to be?

“I’m skating on thin ice”

“I feel like I am about to hit a wall”

“I am really struggling”

“One more thing will tip me over the edge”

“I am just keeping it together”

“I am having a very hard time right now but trying to keep it in check”

” I am an 8/10, maybe a 9/10″

Do I need to put a scarlett letter on my head? Reach out they say, reach out. Reach out and then what? People look at you a bit blankly, what are they supposed to do? I don’t know, I have enough I am containing, smoothing, suppressing. It is a very lonely world in BPD,, you’re sicker than sick but you still move on. You can’t go to the hospital, you can’t lay in bed because your mind would kill you, you can’t really do nothing for fear of the noise overwhelming, you can’t talk to anyone, you are stuck trying to make it through each day, alone.

“what’s wrong”, my favourite question.

“what’s wrong?”, what’s wrong has been wrong for 20 years. I’m recovering yes, but there’s no new wrong. Same damn thing, different levels.

Can you imagine asking a cancer patient every time “what’s wrong?”, how about a diabetic “what’s wrong”. You think they’d want to scream at you after maybe the 50th time? FUCK, I have fucking cancer, I have fucking diabetes, I have fucking alzheimers, I have fucking chicken pox, an infection. And everything you see are symptoms, that’s why my hair is falling out, that’s why I have a fever, that’s why I can’t remember you, that’s why I am sad, that’s why I am weak, that’s why I am, how I am, right now.

So, I have no one to tell, because fair to them, they don’t know what to do. Talking to me seems like a stupid thing to do but you know what, it helps. Don’t tell me what to do, just listen. Don’t tell me how you feel the same way. Just listen. Just distract. Don’t try and fix me. Just be there. Take me somewhere, keep me occupied, take some things off my plate. Be understanding.

The same thing is wrong, what you can do is also the same.

by the way, “i’m on thin ice, I am a 9, I am hitting a wall, I am really close to putting knife to skin, close to throwing in the towel, close to one pin prick away from a hospital. Happy? That’s what’s wrong.

{September 26, 2014}   Tip of the Iceberg

When you suffer from BPD, the smallest infinitesimal provocation can cause a storm so large it overwhelms like a hurricane. I call it the tip of the iceberg, a tiny speck rising above the surface, yet below is a mass, heavy and deep. Hit that iceberg and you shatter not only the tip but everything below splits, breaks and shatters.

Small thing, I had a small mistake occur and I’m infused with anger. Anger so hot, I’m curled up to contain it. I can’t fix this mistake, it’s out of my control, someone gave me wrong information which caused me to make a bad choice. Now it can’t be undone and I can’t make my way out of the grey of feeling out of control.

It’s irrational, I want to scream, yell, get mad, kick something, it’s pulsing through me with no release. I am trying to make it go away but it’s a loop playing in my head, I can’t turn the channel off. I feel helpless in the storm, in righting the wrong and I can’t stand that emotion. It’s not fair, I did not do anything wrong.

Cry, it’s such a small thing but I want to bawl at the top of my lungs, my chest swollen from the pressure, fingers into claws.

Feeling sad.

et cetera
A Forgetful Traveler

Remembering the world one blog post at a time

Life after BPD

Life after Borderline Personality Disorder; making a life worth living through love, laughter, positivity and Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Bi-polar parenting

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