When you suffer from BPD, the smallest infinitesimal provocation can cause a storm so large it overwhelms like a hurricane. I call it the tip of the iceberg, a tiny speck rising above the surface, yet below is a mass, heavy and deep. Hit that iceberg and you shatter not only the tip but everything below splits, breaks and shatters.
Small thing, I had a small mistake occur and I’m infused with anger. Anger so hot, I’m curled up to contain it. I can’t fix this mistake, it’s out of my control, someone gave me wrong information which caused me to make a bad choice. Now it can’t be undone and I can’t make my way out of the grey of feeling out of control.
It’s irrational, I want to scream, yell, get mad, kick something, it’s pulsing through me with no release. I am trying to make it go away but it’s a loop playing in my head, I can’t turn the channel off. I feel helpless in the storm, in righting the wrong and I can’t stand that emotion. It’s not fair, I did not do anything wrong.
Cry, it’s such a small thing but I want to bawl at the top of my lungs, my chest swollen from the pressure, fingers into claws.